more valid ...

Do you ever feel totally 'invalid' as a person?  Like you mess up more than you contribute, like you're always having things to apologize for and you're always dropping the ball somewhere? 

I feel like that alot!

I had one of those mornings where you wake up and just know in your gut that your alarm hasn't gone off and you're late.  I teach aerobics on Tuesdays at 6:15am and my last task last night was to double check the alarm, but for whatever reason it didn't ring today.  I opened my eyes and thought ... 'its way too light to be earlier than 5:15!'.. then the mad scramble to get in touch with someone and tell them the 'leader' is not going to make it.  Not the greatest start to the day!

i chatted with a beautiful friend yesterday, and she was talking about how church sermons so often leave us feeling like Losers - we should be doing more, we should be more mature, we're not using our gifts... blah blah blah.  I don't know if I've heard a lot of sermons like that lately, but I do know that I don't need a sermon to feel like that.  It's my default mode.  it's ever present.  I don't need an external voice saying those things; my inner dialogue says them all the time. 

The two of us wished for more 'celebratory' conversations and messages.  Not an absence of challenge, but an increase of joy and rejoicing over the great things that happen in daily life and relationship.

(Incidentally, I stumbled upon a new blog recently.  The author has a campaign called I AM ENOUGH.  It's pretty cool.)

I did haul my sorry self out of bed shortly after I realized that I wasn't going to get where I was supposed to be.  I decided to go for a walk - not a run like I often do, but a nice, leisurely, prayer-y WALK.  I was gone for over an hour!  As soon as I stepped out, I knew I made the right choice.

I cleared my head of all the noise.  I heard the traffic, smelled the morning, felt the green of summer, and tasted broken but beautiful joy.  Somewhere on a walking path in Point Douglas, I stopped feeling like a loser and started to feel celebratory and blessed.  As I was 'rounding the corner to our building, one of our neighbors came out. Our chat went like this...

him - 'What are you doing out alone?!'
me - 'walking.'
him - 'I've told you before - I don't like you going for your walks/runs alone all the time.  You could get hurt'
me - 'thanks for caring.'
him - 'We got some extra food from the food bank over at our place.  No one can use it.  You guys want it?'
me - 'sure.'
him - 'k, see ya later, I'll bring it to the drop in.'

a  pretty simple exchange.  But one that reminded me that I'm known in my neighborhood.  And the caring for and supporting is not only going from me/us to them.. It's two way.  Thats is a beautiful ... maybe even VALID - thing in my book.

thanks for reading. 

Here is a photo I took today - I came upstairs to find one of our 'roomies' napping on the couch.  I couldn't resist the opportunity...