pick me!

I'm really pleased to be working with an amazing group of people on an upcoming Church Planting/Missional Communities event.  (well, about a year from now.)  I'm not sure what fluke caused them to pick me to help design this event, but so far they haven't identified me as the imposter I feel like!

I was supposed to deliver an inspiring thought to start our day long meeting this morning, and I was feeling about as inspired as a dirty sock both when I fell into bed last night and when the alarm went off this morning.

So, after I had made the coffee and gotten settled into our meeting space this morning, I shared with this group of leaders that I was sadly not going to fulfill this agenda item very well. 

I looked around the room, and asked the various denominational and church leaders if they ever felt like they were walking around in life with a big target stapled to their shirt.  If they'd ever felt like it was a day or season for people and situations to conspire to take free shots ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Everyone seemed to know exactly what I was talking about!

So, we together reflected a bit on what a risky and exciting gift it is to lead.

the knowing nods around the table spoke of much sacrifice.

I was glad for the reminder that leadership is more about sacrifice than about many of the other things it is frequently likened to.

bleeding

In a recent issue of the MB Herald (highlighting the arts), there was a piece by a writer reflecting on his craft.  He said that for writers, writing is a form of bleeding... We need to get things out, and this is how we process .. writing.

I suspect that most artmaking or creative expression could be described as 'bleeding' by the artist.  But his words resonated with me because my form of expression is the same as his - words, writing.  That is at least partially why I have maintained this blog.  Some things just need to find an outlet, and sometimes this is it. 

Often a post is only a few ideas that I know fit together, but I don't know how until I start writing.  And somehow I am strengthed and calmed by putting words together, its an activity that helps me make sense of my life.   Sometimes it helps me be at peace when nothing makes sense. 

neighborhood economy

There are unique things about inner city neighborhoods and their economies. 

I don't know other cities as well, but some things are pretty consistent in other places I've visitied.  Take pawn shops - you don't usually find many of those in the suburbs.  They're a pretty important part of the economy down here.  They actually used to be MORE important, before the MoneyMart and PayDay Loan folks came in to offer a helping hand.  I can even remember back in the day when there were banks in the neighborhood.  But, they all pulled out some time ago.  There are some good corporate citizens out there though. 

But what prompted me to write this post is some of the more underground kind of stuff.  Did you know that you can trade in bus tickets (given to you by social services) for smokes?  Or cash?  Did you know that you can buy or sell single smokes?  Did you know that there are even local stores that will give you cash money for the frozen meat you got from the food bank or charity?  How about drugs - you can trade your prescription meds for street drugs.  And, just incase one of the local doctors is onto you, there are at least half a dozen walk in clinics within a few blocks.  Just go to another physician and complain of other ailments.  You can fill another prescription as long as you don't take it to the same pharmacy.  (but don't worry, there are even more of those than there are clinics!)

I'm regularly surprised by the stuff I learn by hanging out on Main Street.  But, one day earlier this summer, I was totally shocked by a new spin on the north end economy ...

I was waiting for a friend who I thought might be lost.  I found a paper bag with this note sticking out..

This is what was in the bag.

This neighborhood NEVER ceases to surprise me!

Although the content is questionable, I'd say this is North End economy at its finest... generosity, good will, and a desire to do a good turn for a stranger!

inviting and aesthetically pleasing?

aes·thet·ic   –adjective

1. pertaining to a sense of the beautiful or to the science of aesthetics.

2. having a sense of the beautiful; characterized by a love of beauty.

3. pertaining to, involving, or concerned with pure emotion and sensation as opposed to pure intellectuality.
 
I have struggled with what is 'aesthetically pleasing' much of my life.  I resisted 'china patterns' and other 'fine' things when we got married, considering them frivolous and unnecessary.  My home has been called eclectic by some nice friends who didn't know what to call a 'style' that was thrown together and relatively unconsidered.  I prefer dishes and patterns that are mismatched.  When making a purchase, I will invariably look for the 'imperfect'. All aspects of my 'style' consist primarily of things that 1) are practical, or 2) have some special meaning.
 
In San Francisco, I purchased a ring with a large blue stone.  Perhaps subconsciously, it reminded me of a ring that my mom wore... but consciously, I was drawn to it because it had three small greyish dots marring the blue stone - I loved most of all that it wasn't pristine.
 
I read somewhere that there is a Native American tradition of leaving a blemish in the corner of a handwoven rug - because the weavers believe that this leaves a place for the spirit to enter..  Interesting thought - blemishes invite something profound.  I wonder then, what does the pursuit of perfection and flawlessness invite? What does it resist?
 
Its a wrestle when I find myself liking stuff or style or outer appearances very much.  I don't want to notice or care.  I don't want to be influenced at all by some perception of beauty or style that has been sold to me like a bill of goods by my culture - I want to be impervious to it.  It bugs me how susceptible I am ... why did I want to come home from holiday with a piece of jewellery to remember the trip?  Why am I like that?!
 
When I am having this inner wrestle, I inevitably recognize the importance of the beautiful things that inspire and speak to us.  Our spirits and imaginations need provoking in enlarging and good ways.  Art, for example, deepens our  understanding of whatever  is depicted.  Cozy spaces help us to feel safe and warm.  Inviting decor encourages conversation, laughter, friendship.  A blue ring with an imperfect stone reminds me of a lovely family holiday,  of creative and talented street vendors who love their craft.  Imagination and beauty are undoubtedly essentials to our lives.  The wrestle for me is about where the line is.  As with all things, we are so good at finding counterfeits for the essential beauty that inspires us.  I want to resist my impulse to manufacture beauty, to grasp wildly, to settle.

summer reflections

Before I get into deep thoughts about summer at Flatlanders, this is my daughter ...  having so much fun during dance camp!  I cried at the end-of-week performance, which is a regular happening.  Yes, I am one of those parents!  ... but I wasn't crying only for the usual reasons of watching time slip by, being proud of my kids etc... mostly, I was responding to the amount of JOY that was present as she and her friends danced.  They were having so much FUN!  I'm so thankful for this influence in her life!

(So maybe this is a plug for her dance school!?!?)

I've been thinking of a post for a few days - it emerges from some reflections on ordinary stuff.   The other day, I was thinking about our garden.  Marvelling is maybe a better word.  The wildflowers grew without any attention.  Not a single weed was pulled or drop of water was ever given... just a combination of nature and our initial seed scattering.      The results are beautiful, inviting smiles whenever we drive into the parking lot.      The vegetables however, have required time and attention.  Pruning, pails of water brought out, pulling out the weeds.  And in spite of the attention, we still lost a number of plants.  Our tomatoes threaten to be more green and leafy than red and fruity.  A lot more tending could have generated better success.                                                                                     In my marvelling, I also felt a bit frustrated.  I was thinking about how these two principles - tending or letting go - are at play in life and in leadership.  I was wishing that there were instructions, maybe guarantees to  guide different decisions and situations.  When should we just back up and let things take their course?  When should we be diligently involved, gently prodding in a specific direction towards a desired outcome?  And why isn't our best good enough in so many circumstances?

Later on, I was playing Rummy - which, along with Cribbage, are the games of choice at Flats.  I was paying close attention to the discard pile, waiting on the Queen of Clubs.  I followed it's path into the hand of another player, and was focused on the opportunities I'd have once he discarded it.  I actually missed two other possibilities while I focused on only the strategy I'd decided on.  It was only later that I realized that I could have won the hand if I'd been less focused on my plan and more focused on what was actually happening in front of me.

After a while, I connected my thoughts in the garden and the developments in the card game.  Sometimes, we (I) get so focused on a desired path that we can be blind to other possibilities.  Beautiful wildflowers remind us how important it is let go and let things unfold - beauty that surprises us is somehow more beautiful.  And withered plants that were tended and cared for remind us that so little is really up to us.  Feeling like we're managing things well, that we're on top of the details might be more of an illusion than we'd like to believe .

After being in the garden, my hands look like this.  Grubby, stained and weary.  But in an earthy way!  A little scraped up, but revealing that they were working towards something, even if at the end of the day its uncertain how everything will turn out.  Somehow, that seems like the best end to these thoughts....   Happy Summer!