major in the majors

 When my kids were small, they attended a nursery school in St. Vital. A few weeks into our first year of school, another mom and I noticed that we seemed to be coming from and going to the same place.  We started to walk together, and a friendship was born, one that continues to this day. It helped that our kids were the same age, and that we lived only two blocks apart at the time.  Our sons went to that nursery school together, and then a couple of years later, our daughters followed.  All those years, we'd walk together, often having play dates before or after school. Many warm coffees were shared, along with laughter and a pretty significant contribution to each other's families.
I just got a birthday note from that friend (Krista) this week, and I was reflecting on one of the most important contributions she made to my life. She taught me about majoring in the majors and letting the minors be minor.  She modelled it and gave me permission to let go of unimportant pressures.
I remember marvelling at how she could make sure the things she valued were part of her daily life and her family.  She completed a nursing degree while balancing a shift work schedule, working many over-nights, and while making sure that her kids were involved in activities that were important to their family.  Because she comes from a family of musicians, her kids have had opportunities to learn to play many instruments over the years.  One of the things that allowed Krista to have time for the things she valued was making do.  She made do by substituting, being open to creative solutions, being willing to change, and keeping her goals in sight.  She'd weigh options about how to spend time, choosing only what lined up with her values. She'd substitute ingredients, majoring in having home baking available for her kids while minoring in presentation or the 'rightness' of it. Fancy, pristine, just-right, or just-so weren't part of Krista's life or experience.  If they had been, she couldn't have done what she did. I loved the snacks that came from her house because they were nutritious and fun - like rice krispie squares that also had cheerios in them. She wouldn't run to the store to get whatever the kids wanted or some special excursion food when we went out together (that's what I did!) - she made do with whatever she had and didn't apologize for it.  Everyday things became craft supplies and creative opportunities - her kitchen walls were lined with a always-rotating array of interesting pictures and projects, and she rarely bought things other than markers or paper.
She was conscious of focusing her energy on what she had chosen to spend it on, and she was genuinely able to let go of demands for her attention/time that didn't line up with her 'important' list.  One day it clicked for me; Krista didn't get caught up in 'supposed to' or 'other's expectations'.   She just lived according to the values she had and the priorities she had set for herself and her family. Period. I think I started to do the same, and I'm so thankful for her influence in my life.

One of the things that attracted me to Flatlanders was that same quality of majoring in the majors and letting the minors be just that ... minor.  This was evidenced in the way we shopped and ate, in our decor and throughout the shared living spaces.  All of our practices rotate around the 'majors' of relationship and community .

The more I live here, the more I realize that we are at risk in the same ways as a family is.  The minors can pretty easily become major and the majors can slip down the list with hardly any awareness ....  all of a sudden, a pattern no one really chose is established and we're all looking at each other saying 'how'd that happen?'

A new year is about to start, and I'm looking at a few things in my life  and community - observing spots where the minors have become major and the majors haven't gotten the attention they should have. And so, I'm going to do a Krista-inspired evaluation and hopefully put things in better order.

finding community

most times, when i mention community on this blog, I am referring to Flats, because my family lives 'in community' with lots of other people. (btw, Matt has been blogging about community lately, you should read his blog.  its more interesting than mine ...  and he wouldn't be caught dead using this font over there, either.)
but today I'm paying respect to another kind of community and location ... my school community.  I've studied at this great seminary in a little town about 7 hours from my home for the past 3 years. I come out here by car, plane, or bus, stay in a dorm or someone's guest room, and settle in for a week of classes.  Usually I have a couple of months post-class to complete and hand in the assignments and papers.  There's usually some intense reading and writing beforehand, too.  My program requires 25 classes + an internship.  Thankfully, I had a few under my belt before I started, and I've been able to do a few by distance.  I met with my advisor today and confirmed that I only have 6 left! (and a major project.....)  I personally think we should get at least 2 degrees for this amount of work; two of my friends in health care recently started their Masters programs and they only have 7 classes to do in order to get their degrees.  But I digress.... I wanted to talk about community, not whine about academic injustice.  (Have you ever noticed that I can find a way to label just about anything as injustice?)
I remember when I was accepted into this program, aside from the shock and overwhelming insecurity, I also knew how important it would be for me to feel connected and how hard it would be to feel isolated.  I worried about how on earth I could find any type of community when I'd only be on campus a handful of times/year. Somehow, though, connections did emerge and relationships did happen ... I have a pretty good routine of people and places to visit, classmates to coffee with, people to round up for a meal at Boston Pizza in Moose Jaw, friends to play games with.. its seems unbelievable that it happened and I always feel so thankful that it did. At the same time, I wonder what I was worried about.  As so often happens, things have a way of working themselves out and we usually needn't preoccupy ourselves with the worries we do.
I have met some tremendous people over my years at school, and each time I'm here I find myself marvelling at the kinds of people from all over North America (and further!) that I get to study with and learn alongside.  My life has been shaped not only by studies and profs, but also by fellow students - many of whom I have shared great dialogue, openness, encouragement, and challenges with.  It probably helps that I study with a bunch of soon-to-be counsellors, we reach out to each other pretty easily, and our class content and role-plays often mean that we get into each other's lives and stories quite a bit.
I'm in the homestretch (I'll only be here 5 more times, including graduation) - I can actually see a day when I will have my life back from the massive time and energy consumer called 'never ending school work'! But part of the reason I'm writing this post is because I want to remind myself to savor this last leg of the journey ... being a seminarian and a graduate student has definitely changed me and the course of my life and I'm really thankful for all the people and events that have been part of that journey.
(or maybe I actually wrote this post because I am harbouring a secret hope that one Thursday soon I will get to be seminarian of the week... ?!?!?)

thankful

Saturday morning, I heard the sad news that my friend Christina had passed away.  I spent the day rather dishevelled and in a fog.  

Can I tell you a little about Christina?  I know she'd love that her picture is on a blog, and her stories are being told.  She loved being remembered, noticed, appreciated.  

She loved being loved!

I met her in 2009, shortly after our family moved to Flatlanders Inn. She came for our Wednesday potluck. After we'd eaten she asked when the women's prayer group was meeting.  Turns out she thought it was Friday and was looking for another event in the church, she hadn't even meant to come to Flats.... but then she kept coming, every Wednesday night for the next two years.  She'd bring food to share, sometimes chicken nuggets or instant potatoes, but she always wanted to contribute!

Both Christina and I had mothers who had struggled with mental illness and who had passed away many years ago. We discovered this story-in-common early in our friendship.  We hardly ever discussed it, but every so often if the topic of care or childhood would come up, she'd say something about the kind of mutual understanding we shared. Trust grew between us, in the way that it does, winding and testing.  Getting stronger with shared experience, shared laughter, shared hearts, shared hurts. 

 Christina was an artist, and she had this deep longing to communicate brokenness AND hope in every piece she created.
When our artspace opened up, she was became a regular attender at the art drop in. She loved Jesus.  When she was feeling strong, she wanted to pray for you, looking for ways to encourage and bless everyone she met.  When she was feeling low, she asked people to pray for her often.

Christina loved Christian trinkets. She couldn't resist buying a t-shirt or hat that had words or images about love or peace. Her jewellery collection was extensive and included lots of crosses.  If you got curious about the stuff she loved, you'd learn that she just wanted to communicate the love and hope of God to everyone.  She had a mixed up relationship with 'stuff', and it consumed a lot of her energy. ... and often the energy of her friends!   Flatlanders experimented with storing some of her treasures - but in the end, we sent them back to her place because of the tension it brought into our relationship.  

Some of my favourite Christina memories; 

...having coffee in portage place
...sorting through her stuff and hanging clothes on very specific hangers, in very specific order, in a very specific way :)
...rummaging through her purse for some lost item
...the time she made a huge pot of soup for flatlanders and everyone loved it

...being shown a new photo or artistic piece and hearing the story of how it came to be

... the way she would choose an outfit and accessories, usually including a hat!

...seeing the abandon she danced with every sunday in church, even when her arm was injured

I'm pretty sure our last phone conversation was a prayer.  I have guilt over the phone calls I didn't answer and the messages I didn't return, but I know that our friendship was real and mutual - we were honest with each other.  'Be strong' was a phrase said between us often.

Christina gave me a celtic cross from her jewellery collection.  When she was alive, I wore it because I was grateful that she was in my life.  Now that she's gone, I'll wear it in her memory and in thankfulness for all that I learned from her. 

Christina taught me about beauty, about suffering, about joy, about intimacy, about vulnerability, about prayer, about Jesus.

She taught me about Jesus because I saw him in her all the time.

Be at peace, dear Christina, you will be missed by so many.
We love you.

                    ...until we meet again...

Anyway

from http://ptskjohnson.blogspot.com

I love these words from Mother Theresa.  

I needed to be reminded of them today.  

Maybe you did too?

grateful

  

honestly?  Grateful isn't what I want to write about today.  Oh, I'm grateful, don't get me wrong.  Just not right now.  Right now, I'm in fixing mode. Fixing puts grateful on the back burner - maybe off the stove all together!  Let's be even more honest - fixing preoccupies me; it makes me unable to see grace. I'm managing, listing, planning, and orchestrating.  Trying, striving, and re-configuring.  
So, i will take this prompt as a reminder not to get lost in the trees and lose sight of the forest. 
Gratefulness helps us SEE.  It helps us LET GO.  It helps us EMBRACE.just writing a few words, suddenly, all the things I'm grateful for come flooding in ...  laughing till my face hurts flowers on my pillowsmiles from strangersre-do's journalling pages that inspire and attend to my heartold friends and long walkssteak dinners my husband's colognegracehappy kids with chocolatey facesholding handstender toucheshomemade french friesahh... time's up.  
Gypsy Mama challenges us with a topic to write about - unedited - every Friday.  Today's topic was Grateful.Join in!

how...?

Just the other day, I was giving my sweet nephew his bath, watching him take his first steps...

..... and then, I blinked.

and he grew up!

So I squeezed him really hard and asked 'where did the time go?'

And I also asked - repeatedly: 'Do you know how proud of you I am?  Like really, really proud of who you are and all the things that make you you?'

And he says, 'umm, yeah, I think I know.'

But I sent him a text or two, just to make sure he wouldn't forget.

No matter what message I send, I always get the same reply... 'LOL'.

I don't remember which birthday this was.

I kinda thought it was only last month or something.

Here's my sister's beautiful family. 

next graduate: my boy.

Everyone keeps asking me: 

if you were such a teary mess when D. graduated, how will you cope when your OWN son graduates (in two years!).

Answer: I was never really good at loving other peoples kids differently than my own.  

Yeah, I know, I'm weird.

But there you have it - another boundary I don't love to cooperate with!  I just love 'em all the same and cry over everyone's accomplishments.

carefree, zippy, and juicy

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to be kind to ourselves?  I was part of a class this week that did some group testing for a facilitation certificate.  After each of us were tested, the first question was:  What did you like about what you did?  Inevitably, we responded by saying what we didn't like.  

It seems like such a deeply ingrained default position to report our faults - its like we don't even know how to acknowledge our strengths.  Someone noted that thinking of what we liked about our test was like writing with the left hand when you're accustomed to using the right... As a counsellor, I want to help us think differently!  I have this quote in my journal that says:

I have this relentless hope that we're going to make it easier for women to feel better about themselves

Coincidentally, I got a package of reconnect to yourself cards the other day in a gift package I won from Eve Studios.  

So, this morning, I went in to the office and shared the cards with a few of the lovely ladies I get to work with.  We decided to leave the cards by our desk and think of the ways we embody the characteristics we randomly picked out of the deck.  Its a great way to be kind to yourself and practice affirmation ... maybe even a beginning to overcoming the tendency to pick ourselves apart at every opportunity!  The cards I got to reflect on today said: carefree, zippy, & juicy.  Maybe I am carefree in a (very) few places in my life, but I'm learning!   Zippy... well, yeah, I can think of a few areas of my life where that applies.  (and not only while driving around in my little blue car!)    And juicy... well that one takes imagination, but sure -  it fits too!!

One of the other girls got these cards: authentic, peaceful, & deserving. She loved it and felt like the descriptions were perfect for some of the different things she's figuring out right now.  And, she's definitely one of the most peaceful people I know - a very refreshing face at the end of a long day or whenever I'm facing difficult things alongside our clients.  

What a fun way to start the day!

What about you - do you find it hard to be kind to yourself?  I have for many years.. but ever so slowly I'm learning to be kinder ..... What are your reflections on the journey of being gentle to yourself?

glimpses

 There hasn't been a photo post on here in a bit, and I've been using my new phone to take a few pictures.  I've spent the week in Caronport, learning about Adult Development, writing like a mad person, missing my family and Flats, visiting with an old friend... you'll see :)

Sweet Sydney.  This actually wasn't this week.  I just miss her !

The night before I left for school was the Masterworks recital.  I was a proud mama! (Yes, Ember, - I cried!)

This image turned up in my inbox this week, and I've spent quite a while looking at it.  It's called GRIEF and the artist is Matthew Whitney of Seattle.

Monday was the birthday of a school friend, so we celebrated!

Spent a lovely day in Moose Jaw with one of my favorite people in the universe.
You know those friends who are there no matter what - whose love you trust and who  just don't judge you, ever?
What would life be like without friends like this?!

An artsy shot in Downtown Moose Jaw.  I like to pretend I have a good eye for things every once in a while 

I thought I might be able to have a private conversation with some lilacs, but I was caught on film

and this is what the rest of the night holds... a very serious date with my assignments!

the spin cycle

When I started seminary, I was a little pie-eyed, a lot excited, and pretty naive about the whole process.  (I thought I knew what I was getting into...) Adding studies and changing careers to an already full life is not the hiccup I thought it would be.

Since I started my internship in March, life has been on 'spin cycle' - you know when you can see the colors flying by in the washing machine, but you have no idea if that streak of red is a sweater or a towel because everything is moving so fast?!?!?!

So, I've made some decisions --- first, the cap gown are going to have to wait one more year.  My plan to finish next spring is foolish!  I am putting the grad thing off for one more year, until 2013. (the same year as my son's high school grad!)

second, sometime in the next few months I will reduce my internship office hours somewhat.  Flats is still priority one for us, and that hasn't been reflected by my actual time in the building lately.  Not that its a duty - the community is a joyful place and being in it is usually pretty refreshing!

just deciding these two things has been freeing!  I spent some quiet time with my coffee and the reflections of an old friend this morning, and I realized how much I've been craving peace.

things are coming back into focus, after a little too much spinning....

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous.  Our God is merciful.  

He protects the simple (and the spinning), ...

 RETURN O MY SOUL TO YOUR REST. 

psalm 116:5-7

appreciation

Someone emailed this video to me today, thought it was worth sharing. 
the person who sent it to me added the disclaimer: 'get the kleenex first' ....

the prison of 'should'

Striving.  Feeling inadequate.  Not being enough.  We feel like its universal, here in the West. (spoken like the world traveller I am not!)  

Or, maybe this is more my experience than yours.  Maybe I've spent way more time feeling trapped and imprisoned by 'should', 'ought', 'supposed-to', and 'expect' than the average person. Or maybe we're blind to the bars around us?  Could it be that we're numb to trapped feelings because we don't believe there's another way?

Maybe I'm thinking about this because I'm becoming healed of it.. a little.  I think it could be due to approaching middle age, or maturity, even! :) I heard myself say recently that I feel adequate in a certain area of my life.  Not a super star, not more or better, just adequate.  And quite contentedly so.  Huh.. I don't remember feeling that way very often.  Even more surprising is that  I am feeling a little more adequate in the place that I've felt least confident - being a parent.

Mark Buchanan, a Canadian guy, writes in his book about the Rest of God (Sabbath), that 'oughts are tyrants, noisy and surly, chronically dissatisfied'.        Amen!

Theres also the 'i am enough' project I've linked to before.

Over here at Flats, one of my favorite things about us is that we recognize ourselves as  non-cooperators with some of the social expectations that lead to feelings of inadequacy... I know thats part of the draw for me, this ethos of simplicity, making do, and no-frills necessary.  We don't have to feel bad for all that we're not, because we're not trying to be all that. The vision and underlying values of the place allow us to recognize that the pressure often comes from our own broken places, not some external influence.

We had a farewell party for our interns the other week.  The hot dogs were burnt, there was no advance decorating or gift buying, the focus was almost exclusively on relationship and reflection.  I was tempted for a little while to feel inadequate - I should have done more, prepared better, spent more time on  the event.  But then, I saw the trap - I was being invited into a prison of 'not enough-ness'.  Somehow, I left it behind and it hasn't chased me down! 

tea and toast

  I was getting dropped off this morning when i saw some friends from the community sitting and visiting on our north stairs... they hadn't been around a whole lot in the last few months, and last I heard they were homeless.  I decided to go hang out with them, not wanting to miss one of my rare chances to do that these days.  ( since taking a job I have been missing the weekly drop in gatherings - its a big loss for me)  I got caught up on the news of their lives for a few minutes before my growling stomach started to distract me (I hadn't eaten much for breakfast before I left for an early meeting).

I invited them into the church kitchen, scrounged around a bit and found some bread and honey, along with a few tea bags.  We had a little feast of tea, toast, laughter, and friendship.  

Hardly noteworthy, yet somehow profound for me.  Availability and relationship - the combination of these two things is a gift.

happy friday!

praise and lament

When I read the bible lately, I read the psalms.  Sometimes I mean to read somewhere else (I'm in the midst of a distance course on the Pentateuch, I should spend time there for sure!) - but I find myself drawn over and over to the psalms.  The range of emotion that is captured there for us captivates me.  It helps me to accept - sometimes even appreciate -  the range of emotion that I frequently experience in a day.  


There is lament - wailing and weeping could accompany an audible version of the Psalms.  Deep questions about Why...?  Where...?  When, how long ...?  are recorded alongside accounts of just how distraught, abandoned, and confused the writers feel.  




There is praise - generous statements about God's faithfulness, mercy, goodness and compassion are recorded as fact and as faith.  The writers gain confidence as they remember and declare that God is indeed good. We are reminded of God's actions and presence, and we're reminded that we aren't God.  Like a child is comforted by a parents nearness, so are we comforted when we remember how God has acted throughout history and in our own lives.


The pattern of lament and hymn is repeated over and over throughout individual psalms and throughout the whole book.  Its an affirmation of emotion, of grief as well as grace.  It's an expression of sorrow touched repeatedly by faithfulness and presence.   


In my recent reading, I've become more convinced about the nature of some of our deepest human longings - feelings of abandonment and isolation lay at the core of much human grief.  And God, in his love and mercy, repeatedly responds.  He is there.  We are not alone, not abandoned.  We are sheltered, safe, protected.  We forget (lots!), and we are reminded.


  Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
      Be merciful and answer me!
  My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
      And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
  Do not turn your back on me.
      Do not reject your servant in anger.
      You have always been my helper.
   Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
      O God of my salvation!
  Even if my father and mother abandon me,  the Lord will hold me close.
- from psalm 27

Here is some of what we've been up to while taking a break from blogging...

Lots of fun at Bren's parent's pool...

I saw TJ examining this garden statue.  He clearly loved it.. so I asked if he wanted a picture with it.

He just posed like that .. with very little coaching!

Sweet nephew turning THREE!

A whole day in the hospital .. waiting for another new baby!

And - April Henriette.  Born on August 30, just after midnight. 

I was very thankful for a safe and easy delivery.. and another chance to be a labor coach!

(I just put doula school on my list of things to do in this lifetime...)

May I say that my sister is an amazing mom and gives birth like its as easy as pie and natural as breathing?  Well, I just did.

Spending some time with the kids after their new sister came home..  a painting night!

This one was enhanced by Auntie Kelly a wee bit after Haily went to bed...

the kids went back to school, and so did the husband!

Our green space is GREEN!

Someone very wonderful offered us the use of a cabin for a few days.. but the kids ended up not wanting to go.  So, I went on a little retreat!  Surrounded by artmaking stuffs, books, magazines, and foods I love to eat!

My memere has been in the hospital since Aug. 25th.  The doctors called us to her bedside on two occasions, but she appears to be pulling through.  A fall caused swelling and brain injury, and she refused surgery to alleviate the pressure fearing brain damage.  The only explanation for her continued improvement is "It's a miracle - can only be explained by all the prayers and family support!"  Hmm.

I started a journal page in my daughter's journal with the title 'You come from a line of very strong women .."  Memere has again been showing incredible strength and courage.

... so that's it.  A photo post of what's been going on lately.

summer reflections

Before I get into deep thoughts about summer at Flatlanders, this is my daughter ...  having so much fun during dance camp!  I cried at the end-of-week performance, which is a regular happening.  Yes, I am one of those parents!  ... but I wasn't crying only for the usual reasons of watching time slip by, being proud of my kids etc... mostly, I was responding to the amount of JOY that was present as she and her friends danced.  They were having so much FUN!  I'm so thankful for this influence in her life!

(So maybe this is a plug for her dance school!?!?)

I've been thinking of a post for a few days - it emerges from some reflections on ordinary stuff.   The other day, I was thinking about our garden.  Marvelling is maybe a better word.  The wildflowers grew without any attention.  Not a single weed was pulled or drop of water was ever given... just a combination of nature and our initial seed scattering.      The results are beautiful, inviting smiles whenever we drive into the parking lot.      The vegetables however, have required time and attention.  Pruning, pails of water brought out, pulling out the weeds.  And in spite of the attention, we still lost a number of plants.  Our tomatoes threaten to be more green and leafy than red and fruity.  A lot more tending could have generated better success.                                                                                     In my marvelling, I also felt a bit frustrated.  I was thinking about how these two principles - tending or letting go - are at play in life and in leadership.  I was wishing that there were instructions, maybe guarantees to  guide different decisions and situations.  When should we just back up and let things take their course?  When should we be diligently involved, gently prodding in a specific direction towards a desired outcome?  And why isn't our best good enough in so many circumstances?

Later on, I was playing Rummy - which, along with Cribbage, are the games of choice at Flats.  I was paying close attention to the discard pile, waiting on the Queen of Clubs.  I followed it's path into the hand of another player, and was focused on the opportunities I'd have once he discarded it.  I actually missed two other possibilities while I focused on only the strategy I'd decided on.  It was only later that I realized that I could have won the hand if I'd been less focused on my plan and more focused on what was actually happening in front of me.

After a while, I connected my thoughts in the garden and the developments in the card game.  Sometimes, we (I) get so focused on a desired path that we can be blind to other possibilities.  Beautiful wildflowers remind us how important it is let go and let things unfold - beauty that surprises us is somehow more beautiful.  And withered plants that were tended and cared for remind us that so little is really up to us.  Feeling like we're managing things well, that we're on top of the details might be more of an illusion than we'd like to believe .

After being in the garden, my hands look like this.  Grubby, stained and weary.  But in an earthy way!  A little scraped up, but revealing that they were working towards something, even if at the end of the day its uncertain how everything will turn out.  Somehow, that seems like the best end to these thoughts....   Happy Summer!

Travelblog - San Francisco

This is going to be my last post about our awesome vacation.  I'm compiling the kind of information I loved finding when we were planning our trip .... keep in mind that we are amateur vacation takers.  Until this year, we had never ventured farther than Alberta to the West and Grand Forks to the South.  In the past, if ever we had a few days off in a row, we would use it to 'get stuff done around the house'.  But we promised the kids a trip this year and found ourselves in San Francisco for 9 wonderful days!

Our 'DO List'

• Stay in a neighborhood for at least part of the time.  Public transportation is a breeze.  I'd suggest the Sunset neighborhood, since thats the one we visited.  It has great cafes and shops and is not nearly as touristy.  It's also really close to Golden Gate Park.
• I do recommend the Grant Hotel if you want to be central (very close to Union Square).  It is also close to the much less congested California Line for Cable Cars. (where you can get to the Embarcadero and transfer to a bus or trolley to Fishermans Wharf instead of going directly there)
• An absolute must is the City Pass - which was worth it for the transportation alone.  (never mind the attractions it included!)  Note that it doesn't cover BART, only city transit options.
• visit the Ferry Building area.  The market there is unique (you can get a coffee from Blue Bottle Coffee, with complimentary latte art!). There is an outdoor Farmers Market in the summertime -maybe twice/week? The street vendors there were the most unique and personable.  If you prefer the less touristy and crowded spots, this is a good substitute for Fishermans Wharf.  It's also a lovely place to spend some time just sitting on the pier enjoying your holiday!
• Visit Chinatown on Stockton, not only on Grant.  The prices in Chinatown (on all the 'I love SF' souvenir type stuff) are not really cheaper than the Wharf.
• Go to Alcatraz.  Book through this site well in advance...the evening tour was nice, but I think the daytime would be just as good.  The park tour guides are great sources for stories and interesting history.
• A MUST - take one of these tours leaving from Pier 41 - the hop on/off trolley tour through downtown and the wharf.  Try to get Ramon as your guide, your sides will be hurting by the end of your ride!
• Find your way to Ocean Beach at Balboa, near the Cliff House.  There is a path near the Sutro Ruins which leads right into the parking lot of the Legion of Honor.  Watch the signs there, and make sure to take note of which stairs to take back up.  This is so worth it, an AMAZING hike along the coast.  We saw dolphins playing in the waves as we walked!  For an even longer walk along the beach, start out at the end of the N Line on Judah.
• Find markets near where you're staying and get picnic foods to take along while you explore.
• If you only have time for one museum, make it the Legion of Honor.

Our DON'T List

• The Go San Francisco Card is a good way to get you into lots of different attractions.  But it is expensive!  It can become a dictator of your trip  - so get it if that's what you want.  Be very careful about which days the places you want to visit are open/closed.  We went to four different places in the middle of the week, only to find that they weren't open that day.  Especially the attractions in the SOMA area - they keep some strange weekday hours, so pay attention! Also, if you're getting this card, watch for sales.  We saw it on sale, didn't get it, then decided to get it when it wasn't on sale, then noticed it on sale again later!
• Our whole family found Six Flags Discovery Kingdom to be over-rated.  Maybe we are weird or our kids are getting too old, but we only spent a few hours there and had all had enough.  The food was VERY expensive ($18 for a coffee and three breadsticks!)  Also, taking public transportation to arrive is very pricey - over $20/person all told just to get there... but, the connections are very well timed!The lines for rides and shows weren't long when we were there, and the shows were interesting. (dolphins, whales, tigers)  I think we all struggle with the idea of animals in captivity for our entertainment/enjoyment...
• Don't try to fit everything in.. remember you're on holidays!  We were better at this some days than others. 
• Don't pass up the opportunity to use San Francisco's amazing public transportation.  Cable Cars, trolleys, subways are all easily accessible.  Unless you're going outside of the city, you don't really need a car at all.
• Don't worry about your workouts - just walk lots and don't avoid the hills!
• don't neglect the many homeless people in San Francisco.  Take some time to chat, hear stories.  Buy an extra water bottle or sandwich and make someone's day as you're out walking/exploring. 
• If you can avoid it, don't visit in July/August!
• An airport shuttle is about the same price as BART to SFO, and its more convenient.
• if you're Canadian, don't forget to watch for Westjet seat sales to San Francisco... if you're from Winnipeg, you might have to fly out of another city, though!

We'd recommend a SF vacation to anyone!

Be prepared for tourists EVERYWHERE! 

more valid ...

Do you ever feel totally 'invalid' as a person?  Like you mess up more than you contribute, like you're always having things to apologize for and you're always dropping the ball somewhere? 

I feel like that alot!

I had one of those mornings where you wake up and just know in your gut that your alarm hasn't gone off and you're late.  I teach aerobics on Tuesdays at 6:15am and my last task last night was to double check the alarm, but for whatever reason it didn't ring today.  I opened my eyes and thought ... 'its way too light to be earlier than 5:15!'.. then the mad scramble to get in touch with someone and tell them the 'leader' is not going to make it.  Not the greatest start to the day!

i chatted with a beautiful friend yesterday, and she was talking about how church sermons so often leave us feeling like Losers - we should be doing more, we should be more mature, we're not using our gifts... blah blah blah.  I don't know if I've heard a lot of sermons like that lately, but I do know that I don't need a sermon to feel like that.  It's my default mode.  it's ever present.  I don't need an external voice saying those things; my inner dialogue says them all the time. 

The two of us wished for more 'celebratory' conversations and messages.  Not an absence of challenge, but an increase of joy and rejoicing over the great things that happen in daily life and relationship.

(Incidentally, I stumbled upon a new blog recently.  The author has a campaign called I AM ENOUGH.  It's pretty cool.)

I did haul my sorry self out of bed shortly after I realized that I wasn't going to get where I was supposed to be.  I decided to go for a walk - not a run like I often do, but a nice, leisurely, prayer-y WALK.  I was gone for over an hour!  As soon as I stepped out, I knew I made the right choice.

I cleared my head of all the noise.  I heard the traffic, smelled the morning, felt the green of summer, and tasted broken but beautiful joy.  Somewhere on a walking path in Point Douglas, I stopped feeling like a loser and started to feel celebratory and blessed.  As I was 'rounding the corner to our building, one of our neighbors came out. Our chat went like this...

him - 'What are you doing out alone?!'
me - 'walking.'
him - 'I've told you before - I don't like you going for your walks/runs alone all the time.  You could get hurt'
me - 'thanks for caring.'
him - 'We got some extra food from the food bank over at our place.  No one can use it.  You guys want it?'
me - 'sure.'
him - 'k, see ya later, I'll bring it to the drop in.'

a  pretty simple exchange.  But one that reminded me that I'm known in my neighborhood.  And the caring for and supporting is not only going from me/us to them.. It's two way.  Thats is a beautiful ... maybe even VALID - thing in my book.

thanks for reading. 

Here is a photo I took today - I came upstairs to find one of our 'roomies' napping on the couch.  I couldn't resist the opportunity...

a story worth sharing.

I've posted before about what it was like for our family to find ourselves in a completely different story than the one we envisioned when our circumstances changed drastically last year.  It felt like an tidal wave engulfed us and somedays it still feels like we're dripping wet and wondering what the heck hit us.  (Those days are thankfully fewer and fewer!)

In the face of so much confusion, we decided to come to Flatlanders for a school year and spend some time serving, learning, healing, and re-orienting ourselves.  We figured it would be clear at the end what direction we'd continue in.  Flatlanders was a perfect fit for who we are as a family, and especially in light of what we'd experienced  - but we thought it was only for the short term!

Sometime in the early spring, we started talking with folks here about the future.  And what it might look like if we CONTINUED to live at Flatlanders.  We were as shocked as anyone to be seriously considering it.  A few times in the early months of living in community, Bren and I would look knowingly at each other, communicating... 'we won't miss THIS when we move out of here next year!'  The month of November was particularly challenging; there were a few times when we wondered if we'd make it to June at all.

Then the snow was melting and the weather started warming, and we began exploring lots of good options for our family.  Moving back to the town our house lives in was pretty high on the list of possibilities.  One of our kids desperately wanted that to happen.  But the more we explored, the less likely it seemed.  A number of other options just didn't feel right either - it was like walking by a beautiful dress in a window and loving it until you try it on and realize that even though it FITS, its not 'you' at all.

In some bizarre, but yet really basic way, Flatlanders (for us, anyway) was more like a dress that you walk by and don't even notice - then one day you actually SEE it, and realize ' I love this - its just right!'  (I can hear Brendan snickering as he reads this - no, he doesn't try on dresses!!)

So, one Thursday in April, over lunch, we told our friend Andy that we had made our decision, and we wanted to stay and join the Long Term Team; a minimum two year commitment!  He was surprised and excited about what this might mean for the future.  We thought the focus of the next year would be recruiting more leaders and establishing a strong core team for the community. 

Our biggest challenge during our first year at Flats was not having enough leadership, and not having enough time to feel like we were addressing the needs around us very well.  We often felt very alone in the task of being the 'stable core' of the community.  (And what miracle earned us the title of 'stable', anyway?!)  Priority #1 for the future would be addressing the leadership gap ... or so we thought.

The best part of the story?

The same day we told Andy we were 'signing on the dotted line', he told us he'd gotten an email from a family who wanted to talk more about moving into Flatlanders as leaders... with their three boys (all under 7!)

That same night, Andy went to a meeting and met up with two other couples (one of whom has a 4 year old and is expecting baby #2 any day), and they also said they were interested in talking more about Flatlanders and leadership.

Shortly after that, two of the founding members of the community started coming around, spending more time, hanging out for weekends.  We figured out that they were exploring the possibility of moving back in and wanted a good read on the community dynamics.

The rest of the story is that all of those interested parties are moving in this summer.  For fall,  our leadership team is complete, and we are already working together, discerning how we'll grocery shop, care for the place, hang out with our neighborhood friends more, and be an effective, authentic, transparent and caring team.  Tomorrow, we are working on our greenspace and doing deep clean together, followed by a potluck bbq.  We are having so much fun getting to know each other, knowing that we'll soon be sharing much of life together.

It makes me smile all over to think that these details were already being woven together while we were wondering where the people were going to come from.  I shake my head at the astounding evidence of God's care and provision for Flatlanders. 

When I pause to consider the origins of the concept that became our community, it is amazing that the funding, the energy, the practicalities, the construction and zoning, that ALL the many, many details came together.  Its impossible NOT to see faithfulness and provision, a nurturing and able hand getting right up close to all the details.  Would you believe that the seeds started in the idealistic minds of some young theology students from CMU?  That there was sufficient faith for those seeds to find water, soil, light - to blossom and bear fruit over and over again?  And in ways no one initially envisioned?

Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing to his name for he is gracious.  For I know that the Lord is great; our Lord is above all gods.  Whatever the Lord pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps.  He it is who makes the clouds rise at the end of the earth; he makes lightnings for the rain and brings wind from his storehouses.- psalm 135

Thanks for reading about our exciting times.. can't wait to share the stories to come.  We are pretty sure we wont live in community forever, but we're sure glad for the chance to do it for now.

Here are some good words from some of our new friends moving into Flatlanders this summer;  (from an email sharing the decision with their friends and family)

"Our hope is to be more relatable, not less. As we learn God’s heart, we want to grow more alive, less dull, in this adventure. We seek greater perspective, learning and immersed, unsheltered from our world and one another. We want to experience real living. Not perfect living. Not safe living. But a rich, good life full of highs and lows, joy and sorrow, faith and uncertainty, as we share our family and learn the meaning of life with others. " (S & J)

 “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing”.  - Helen Keller