year end creativity

I started thinking about my year end collage/vision/reflection board today.  (That's last years pictured - it hangs in our room .... ) This is a tradition I've started in the last couple of years - the board is a compilation of words, phrases, images, ideas.  It helps me to think on what's been and what's ahead....

What are your creative year end activities?  Let's hear about it! 

I accidentally found out that vision boards are not my own invention!

check out this great link for more ideas:

http://www.chookooloonks.com/the-beauty-of-different/2010/12/1/own-your-beauty-creativity.html

advent

advent reflections this year have been a blessing - I say that every year and its always true.  I was particularly encouraged by an early december reflection about the church year - which begins with advent.  David wrote about the difference between ordinary time and extraordinary time.  We are in ordinary time all year, except during Advent and Lent - those are 'extraordinary times' in the church calendar.  Since I began observing lent and advent many years ago, it would seem that these extraordinary times have shaped my growth and my devotion.  The most poignant times in my spiritual life are often traceable to lenten or advent reflections.   I remember sitting in our prayer room on Parr street about 10 years ago when John 15 came alive for me in ways that I still recall like it was yesterday - the moment is frozen in time and the memory is sacred. Matthew 11 was part of our morning reading today and I recalled sharing about that passage during advent in a Saskatoon church a couple of years ago.  Another time, way back in the days when we were at FGMB, I remember another sharing out of Mt 11 with a moms group.  Extraordinary indeed.

Imagery is so often an important part of my devotional life; and this advent season has found me picturing waiting and emptiness as I read and pray.  Our community's morning prayer includes the line; 'I will come, in my innermost self, to the courts of my God, and show myself to Him again.'  Each day, saying those words has generated a mental picture of what I see when I contemplate showing my inner self to God.  Now, during advent, the 'showing myself' has changed to a picture of hopeful, anticipatory emptiness - waiting to be filled, to be cleansed, to be healed... in the courts of my God, Emmanuel.

We have heard with our ears, O God,

our ancestors have told us,

what deeds you performed in their days,

in the days of old:

you with your own hand drove out the nations,

but them you planted;

you afflicted the peoples,

but them you set free;

 for not by their own sword did they win the land,

nor did their own arm give them victory;

but your right hand, and your arm,

and the light of your countenance,

for you delighted in them.

 You are my King and my God;

you command* victories for Jacob.

Through you we push down our foes;

through your name we tread down our assailants.

For not in my bow do I trust,

nor can my sword save me.

 But you have saved us from our foes,

and have put to confusion those who hate us.

 In God we have boasted continually,

and we will give thanks to your name for ever.

Ps 44

Handles

    You know what I mean by handles, right?  I don't actually mean the literal handles like the ones we open doors or flush toilets with... I mean metaphorical handles that help us understand stuff thats going on in our lives.

Like, when we are seeking clarity or understanding as we communicate with a friend... we ask questions in order to 'get a handle' on the matter.

Or, if we are trying to make sense of circumstances that confound us, sometimes we need to break things down to whatever things we can make the most sense of, or 'get a handle on'.

I have a few 'handles' that have been helpful lately.  Today, I'm listing them here for your reading enjoyment...maybe you'll adopt a new handle!

• pipes and water.  This handle came from a conversation with my friend and pastor, Bruce.  It helps me in my constant struggle with structured vs. unstructured.  (or porous vs rigid, loose vs tight, flowy vs. controlled...)  Think about the water and pipes going to and fro from source to tap.  Water is free and unconstrained.  It moves wherever it wants, isn't obedient or conforming.  Water is flowy and uncontrolled, open to whatever opportunity might present itself.  It can change course without much thought; where it went yesterday has no bearing on today!  Pipes, on the other hand, they restrain and restrict water.  They direct it and help it to not make a mess or overflow in undesirable ways.  They carry it to where it needs to go.  The reason that this handle so helpful is that it reminds me that both pipes and water are necessary, and that they need eachother.  Pipes are silly if there is not water to deliver, but water without pipes can be unattainable mess.  The 'pipes vs. water' handle is a good one for me as I look for balance in my mind and in my life.

• vulnerability as path.  This handle comes from life in community and also from seminary classes.   It seems like a willingness to be vulnerable, to put ourselves out there, leads to freedom, trust and depth in communication.  I feel like I have repeatedly seen this evidenced in my own relationships and in others around me.  Vulnerability is often feared, and the cost of obeying that fear is high. I've written before about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4) as growth and maturity.  A certain commentary talks about a life of truthing - which is impossible without vulnerability and the inevitable blows we'll suffer because we've allowed it instead of fearing it.  Now, when I am in the midst of a conversation where I can be more honest or less, I think of my new handle of vulnerability as path and choose the path accordingly...
• stackable losses.  This handle on grieving has helped me so much in the last couple of months!  I talked enough about it before, so I wont go into that again.  Envisioning losses piled up on top of each other is a great handle on understanding stress.
• deleting files.  You know how you can go into your email program, and go to the deleted folder, and there is a command there that allows you to delete all the mail in there at once?  OR, you can select the files you want to save, but delete the rest?  I think deleting files is a great handle on what needs to happen in our mental filing cabinet every once in a while.  There could be some unmet expectations filed away that are causing havoc just because they haven't been deleted.  There could be unresolved grudges or hurts that hang around and unwittingly affect new opportunities and relationships .. all we have to do is take a look and see that certain files we forgot about are still hanging around - then decide if we actually want to keep them.  Recently, I went through a mental file about 'what I thought it would look like to be a long term Flatlander' and deleted all sorts of crap - but I held on to a few key non negotiables, and starred /flagged those files so I remember to review them even more often!
• christian imagination.  This is a handle i've been using for a while to think about all sorts of ideas.  I resent modernity for reducing our faith to the least mysterious and most scientific explanation!  When I consider the layers of meaning in the scriptures, the stories of Jesus, even faith itself, I employ this handle to open things up, not wrap them up in a manageable package.

But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knitted together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.   Eph. 4

money and stuff

After months of hemming and stewing, I've posted a new page on this blog called Contributing. It talks about money - even a way to be supportive of this life we've committed to at Flats.

The page outlines points along the journey, and it'll stay around should anyone wish to access the info down the road.  For now, suffice to say that it has indeed been a journey....

From when we came to Flatlanders in 2009 to now, very few of our plans, dreams, ideas, and hopes with regard to finances have come together as we'd have liked.  It's been hard, and up til now we've been pretty closed-mouthed about it all.  One of the reasons it's been sort of 'under wraps' is because we've always been in the midst of an idea that should address the concerns ... it always seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel was just a month or two longer ... AND - this is a really important part - we've felt taken care of.   Whether it was an unexpected contract that came along at exactly the right time, or a larger income tax refund than we expected, there have been good surprises along the way too.  But overall, its been a heavy burden, and there have been a few disappointments along the way that were heavy too.

But a couple of weeks ago, (I think it had something to do with figuring out and naming losses)  I was just ready to be honest about it.  So now, the truth is out.. this financial part of our life at Flatlanders just hasn't come together yet!  It will, and maybe this openness is part of that, who knows?!

these days.

A bunch of new Flatlanders moved in over the summer.  I wrote about that in a couple of posts earlier this year ... (see story and planning entries)

 Anyway, its been a while now since we all started sharing the same address and calling it HOME.  I'm going to try and capture some of the details of these last few months, knowing that I cannot do it justice in this format . I'm gonna try anyways.  There have been many sweet, inspiring times.  It goes without saying that the positive isn't all there is, right?  Its so, so GOOD to live and learn with others.

• imagine a mixture of pj's, chore lists, mops and buckets, smells of pine sol mixed with bacon, bed-heads, loud music, finding teenagers hiding from their jobs, and you're starting to get a picture of our saturday morning deep clean routine.  The working together is a highlight of my week. (I also kinda like it when the floors aren't sticky...)
• loving other people's kids.  and other people loving our kids.  and our kids loving being Flatlanders.  I think my heart could explode!
• flatlanders sunday at WCV - a bunch of us leading singing and playing music, a bunch of us bringing tours through the space, a bunch of us sharing about what it means to live in community.  We were all proud of us.
• 5 community meals per week and you never know what you're gonna get...Beet burgers, anyone?! -(very tasty, by the way...)  There is so much fun just waiting to be found in our freezer.
• dreaming - how can we be more present in the neighborhood?  what does it mean to be present?  what does it mean that home is here and here is home?
• hanging out.  usually on the 2nd floor.  there is often someone ready to chat .. maybe even give a shoulder massage!
• capture the flag!! picture it ... about 2000 square feet of warehouse, 2 teams of all ages, all the lights out after dark... and the 'flags' are Owen's old skateboards.  90 minutes of giggles - and not only from the girls!
• one of my sweet nieces,  getting ready for bed during the weekly sleepover: "I want to go say goodnight to the people.  ALL the people."
• conversations about calling, about downward mobility, about Jesus, about seeing and not seeing, about allowing transformation and challenging expectations, theology students finding lots of unique dialogues
• interns who want to serve and learn and love in such beautiful ways it makes my heart hurt

this is the lid from the honey jar. We find lots of creative ways to communicate.

a corner turned

I turned to my friend the other night as we were chatting and confessed that I'd lost my groove, that something had fallen off the rails somehow and I needed to get back on track.  It wasn't until the words were out of my mouth that I realized both that I had lost my groove AND that I was beginning to find it again.  In the mucky midst of it, I wasn't really aware of how lost and off track I was.  I've read confessional posts around the interweb about sadness, about mourning, about loss, even about depression.  And I always identify somewhat, but with some distance.  Very important and necessary distance.
See, if you have a parent that struggled with depression and then ended their life, it's pretty hard to ever imagine yourself as struggling with sadness or grief.  If you're me, you just keep spinning positive and smiling and hanging in, finding the good and the lesson in everything. It's an essential to survival, this spinning positive.  Plus,  we're supposed to do that as good Christian folk anyway.  It's in the manual.
Some of my fellow students were talking about a counselling class I missed, where they learned about 'stackable losses'.  As they described this idea that was completely new to me, I identified a lot with the concept.  Basically, when we have multiple consecutive or concurrent losses, we are unable to respond to additional losses.  Our coping ability diminishes as losses increase.  I heard my friends talking, but I immediately saw in my mind a picture of our little garden at Flats.  
A few of us were going to work on the garden together, but the plan didn't come together as hoped.  I did my best on my own with it until we were away in July.  When we got back from San Francisco, the garden was pretty overgrown.  I weeded and watered, but it didn't seem to be enough.  Then we had 3 days of blistering heat.  I went out on the first two days and watered my little garden, but by the third day the wilting and sad plants actually brought tears to my eyes.  I turned around, locked the gate and didn't venture back into the garden again.  Even though the greenspace materialized over the next few weeks and became a beautiful place that I'd been dreaming of and waiting for, I stayed away.
Stackable losses - pile them up on top of each other and you end up with very little room at the top to deal with dying plants that friends forgot to water.  
So, how do you make more room, or get back to who or where you were before the losses started to pile up?  I dunno, my classmates left out that part!  
But just realizing that I'd had losses, and that they had stacked up very high has helped me find my lost groove and turn a corner. 
 I managed to form the question 'could I be depressed?' at a recent visit to the doctor. She looked at me in her kind and knowledgeable way (only a woman who has witnessed and helped me to give birth could have such a compassionate look!) and said "I don't think so.  You're life is full of things most of us insulate ourselves from.  You've taken on a lot and its not cheap.  I know you have good strategies.  Some times will be harder than others, and it looks to me like you're gonna be just fine."
Like a good doctor, she said we'll keep our eye on it and monitor frequently.  And because she is so aware of my family history, she has never missed a chance to say 'How are you REALLY doing?'  
Since learning about stackable losses, I've named some huge losses in my life over the last few years.  I've even painted them on a canvas!  I'm disciplining myself NOT to think about the lessons and gains just yet, to actually allow myself to count losses for what they are.  

  Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, 

      set these once-broken bones to dancing. 

   Don't look too close for blemishes, 

      give me a clean bill of health. 

   God, make a fresh start in me, 

      shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. 

   Don't throw me out with the trash, 

      or fail to breathe holiness in me. 

   Bring me back from gray exile, 

      put a fresh wind in my sails! 

   Give me a job teaching rebels your ways 

      so the lost can find their way home. 

   Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, 

      and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. 

   Unbutton my lips, dear God; 

      I'll let loose with your praise. 

  Going through the motions doesn't please you, 

      a flawless performance is nothing to you. 

   I learned God-worship 

      when my pride was shattered. 

   Heart-shattered lives ready for love 

      don't for a moment escape God's notice. 

from psalm 51 - the message

life overtaken

Our life has been overtaken in the last couple of months.  With Bren returning to university, me taking a part time job, the (barely?) manageable pace we once had has disappeared - at least for this season.  Flatlanders is the place where so much of our energy is directed.  Living intentionally at Sutherland and Main seems like a lifestyle that is more sustainable in theory than in practice at this point.
I hope the speed of life returns to a more rhythmic normal sometime soon.

walk for healing

A couple weeks back, I was driving across the prairies on my way home from classes... I always keep my eye open for people needing a ride, and as I was nearinig Broadview, SK I saw some young people walking along the road.  I was pretty sure they weren't hitchhikers, but something prompted me to stop anyways and say hello.  So I pulled over and waited for them to catch up to my truck...

 I asked what they were up to, and they told me they were walking for Healing.  I was intrigued!  Our conversation continued, and I became more and more impressed.  Each day, the group walks for a different kind of healing, or for different groups of people to be healed.  They are not focusing on any specific 'illness' - they are talking to the Creator, each other, and anyone else who is interested about all kinds of physical, spiritual, emotional, and relational healing.  They've walked for kids in care, for moms and dads, for reconciliation in Canada and lots of other themes.

They started out in May in Kamloops, BC, and are hoping to winter in Winnipeg, with a possible re-start to the East coast in the spring.  I hope to spend some time with them while they're in my city!

If you're interested in knowing more, and you're on facebook, check out the Justin Young Walk of Healing page. 

I ended up having luch with the walkers and enjoying my time with them immensely.  Each one had a story to share, and they did so with beauty, vulnerability, and wisdom.  It was a gift to meet up with them.  I would have missed out on so much if I'd have just driven by!  (so keep your eyes peeled if you're driving along the #1 highway west of Winnipeg!  It's pretty easy to stop and share snacks and encouragement!)

I snapped this picture later on that weekend, when I caught up on the week with my husband while we enjoyed a picnic near Sturgeon Creek... it was supposed to be a family event, but the kids were excused after whining for 2 hours about how lame family picnics are.  We had fun without them!

Have you ever undertaken something thinking you understood it clearly, only to find out you'd really had no real clue of what you were getting yourself into?

That's my space as I learn more about becoming a counselor this week.  I feel like a pretzel - twisted this way and that, turned inside out, and then prodded a little bit more just for some extra fun.  It turns out that its me who is doing much of the examining and prodding, which feels even harder than if someone else were doing it.

The books we read make the practice of counseling seem straightforward and simple.  In theory, I can do this.  It seems easy!  But the act of sitting with someone, even myself, in suffering and pain, sends me running, wanting to fix and cure, to apply the right method, to bring comfort at all costs.

As an exercise, we've been encouraged to pay attention to our inner dialogue, to reflect on what is happening within that causes us to act or react in certain ways.  I have been doing that for several days now, and I don't know if my emotions have ever been so tired.  I feel spent.  A game of Twister might be a refreshing diversion right about now!

Are we willing to scrap the illusion of being experts who, if we can find and wield the proper methods, have the power to cure our clients and fix their maladies? - J. Olthuis, The Beautiful Risk 

God created a reminder, an image.  Humanity is a reminder of God.  As God is compassionate, let humanity be compassionate. - Rabbi A.J. Heschel

New word

Decentered.

That is my word of the year.

A few years ago, my word was CLARITY.  Some professional situations were teaching me the value of clarity, and the expense of its absence... I realized that this principle applied to the rest of my life, too.  It was a good word to grow with.

The next year, SUSTAIN was the word I that guided me often.  In times of doubt, wondering, impasse, frustration - I turned over and over again to the fact that God sustains, is alongside, and that I can see so little of what is important.  I learned (through experience, not just in my head) that in trusting the sustaining (faithful, loving) actions of God I can better see the sustaining (faithful, loving) actions of God.

Last year's word was TENSION.  I felt a growing awareness of the reality (and necessity) of simultaneous push/pull.  It became increasingly clear to me how much we need tension to grow, how much we need to be okay with it rather than resisting it.  I realized how much I want to fix, mend, tend, heal, cure, and how little I wanted to 'be alright to sit with' things just as they are... and that there are indeed times when that is what I must do. (An old friend talks about the tension between success/failure on his blog..thoughts not expressed frequently enough in our culture of competition and achievement!)

This year, DECENTERED is the theme/word I want to learn from.  I've come across this word in counselling texts, and its a way of practicing, of being with people that resists being expert, resists knowing anything at all.  An image that goes along with this word is one of flying above circumstances, somewhere in the sky, rather than being mired and attached to every aspect or detail of a situation.  A decentred approach genuinely cares without obsessively owning.  It influences without being completely invested in outcomes.  The opposite of decentred - centered - can lead to an inappropriate sense of responsibility, a heavy burden, even exhaustion.  But being appropriately attached to circumstances can be invigorating and life giving.  I need to grow in the ability to be decentered, and if this year's word is like those from the past, I will learn a great deal in the months to come.

If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6, The Message (MSG)

Nouwen on friendship

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness that is a friend who cares, ." ~Henri Nouwen

Here is some of what we've been up to while taking a break from blogging...

Lots of fun at Bren's parent's pool...

I saw TJ examining this garden statue.  He clearly loved it.. so I asked if he wanted a picture with it.

He just posed like that .. with very little coaching!

Sweet nephew turning THREE!

A whole day in the hospital .. waiting for another new baby!

And - April Henriette.  Born on August 30, just after midnight. 

I was very thankful for a safe and easy delivery.. and another chance to be a labor coach!

(I just put doula school on my list of things to do in this lifetime...)

May I say that my sister is an amazing mom and gives birth like its as easy as pie and natural as breathing?  Well, I just did.

Spending some time with the kids after their new sister came home..  a painting night!

This one was enhanced by Auntie Kelly a wee bit after Haily went to bed...

the kids went back to school, and so did the husband!

Our green space is GREEN!

Someone very wonderful offered us the use of a cabin for a few days.. but the kids ended up not wanting to go.  So, I went on a little retreat!  Surrounded by artmaking stuffs, books, magazines, and foods I love to eat!

My memere has been in the hospital since Aug. 25th.  The doctors called us to her bedside on two occasions, but she appears to be pulling through.  A fall caused swelling and brain injury, and she refused surgery to alleviate the pressure fearing brain damage.  The only explanation for her continued improvement is "It's a miracle - can only be explained by all the prayers and family support!"  Hmm.

I started a journal page in my daughter's journal with the title 'You come from a line of very strong women .."  Memere has again been showing incredible strength and courage.

... so that's it.  A photo post of what's been going on lately.

pick me!

I'm really pleased to be working with an amazing group of people on an upcoming Church Planting/Missional Communities event.  (well, about a year from now.)  I'm not sure what fluke caused them to pick me to help design this event, but so far they haven't identified me as the imposter I feel like!

I was supposed to deliver an inspiring thought to start our day long meeting this morning, and I was feeling about as inspired as a dirty sock both when I fell into bed last night and when the alarm went off this morning.

So, after I had made the coffee and gotten settled into our meeting space this morning, I shared with this group of leaders that I was sadly not going to fulfill this agenda item very well. 

I looked around the room, and asked the various denominational and church leaders if they ever felt like they were walking around in life with a big target stapled to their shirt.  If they'd ever felt like it was a day or season for people and situations to conspire to take free shots ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Everyone seemed to know exactly what I was talking about!

So, we together reflected a bit on what a risky and exciting gift it is to lead.

the knowing nods around the table spoke of much sacrifice.

I was glad for the reminder that leadership is more about sacrifice than about many of the other things it is frequently likened to.

bleeding

In a recent issue of the MB Herald (highlighting the arts), there was a piece by a writer reflecting on his craft.  He said that for writers, writing is a form of bleeding... We need to get things out, and this is how we process .. writing.

I suspect that most artmaking or creative expression could be described as 'bleeding' by the artist.  But his words resonated with me because my form of expression is the same as his - words, writing.  That is at least partially why I have maintained this blog.  Some things just need to find an outlet, and sometimes this is it. 

Often a post is only a few ideas that I know fit together, but I don't know how until I start writing.  And somehow I am strengthed and calmed by putting words together, its an activity that helps me make sense of my life.   Sometimes it helps me be at peace when nothing makes sense. 

neighborhood economy

There are unique things about inner city neighborhoods and their economies. 

I don't know other cities as well, but some things are pretty consistent in other places I've visitied.  Take pawn shops - you don't usually find many of those in the suburbs.  They're a pretty important part of the economy down here.  They actually used to be MORE important, before the MoneyMart and PayDay Loan folks came in to offer a helping hand.  I can even remember back in the day when there were banks in the neighborhood.  But, they all pulled out some time ago.  There are some good corporate citizens out there though. 

But what prompted me to write this post is some of the more underground kind of stuff.  Did you know that you can trade in bus tickets (given to you by social services) for smokes?  Or cash?  Did you know that you can buy or sell single smokes?  Did you know that there are even local stores that will give you cash money for the frozen meat you got from the food bank or charity?  How about drugs - you can trade your prescription meds for street drugs.  And, just incase one of the local doctors is onto you, there are at least half a dozen walk in clinics within a few blocks.  Just go to another physician and complain of other ailments.  You can fill another prescription as long as you don't take it to the same pharmacy.  (but don't worry, there are even more of those than there are clinics!)

I'm regularly surprised by the stuff I learn by hanging out on Main Street.  But, one day earlier this summer, I was totally shocked by a new spin on the north end economy ...

I was waiting for a friend who I thought might be lost.  I found a paper bag with this note sticking out..

This is what was in the bag.

This neighborhood NEVER ceases to surprise me!

Although the content is questionable, I'd say this is North End economy at its finest... generosity, good will, and a desire to do a good turn for a stranger!

inviting and aesthetically pleasing?

aes·thet·ic   –adjective

1. pertaining to a sense of the beautiful or to the science of aesthetics.

2. having a sense of the beautiful; characterized by a love of beauty.

3. pertaining to, involving, or concerned with pure emotion and sensation as opposed to pure intellectuality.
 
I have struggled with what is 'aesthetically pleasing' much of my life.  I resisted 'china patterns' and other 'fine' things when we got married, considering them frivolous and unnecessary.  My home has been called eclectic by some nice friends who didn't know what to call a 'style' that was thrown together and relatively unconsidered.  I prefer dishes and patterns that are mismatched.  When making a purchase, I will invariably look for the 'imperfect'. All aspects of my 'style' consist primarily of things that 1) are practical, or 2) have some special meaning.
 
In San Francisco, I purchased a ring with a large blue stone.  Perhaps subconsciously, it reminded me of a ring that my mom wore... but consciously, I was drawn to it because it had three small greyish dots marring the blue stone - I loved most of all that it wasn't pristine.
 
I read somewhere that there is a Native American tradition of leaving a blemish in the corner of a handwoven rug - because the weavers believe that this leaves a place for the spirit to enter..  Interesting thought - blemishes invite something profound.  I wonder then, what does the pursuit of perfection and flawlessness invite? What does it resist?
 
Its a wrestle when I find myself liking stuff or style or outer appearances very much.  I don't want to notice or care.  I don't want to be influenced at all by some perception of beauty or style that has been sold to me like a bill of goods by my culture - I want to be impervious to it.  It bugs me how susceptible I am ... why did I want to come home from holiday with a piece of jewellery to remember the trip?  Why am I like that?!
 
When I am having this inner wrestle, I inevitably recognize the importance of the beautiful things that inspire and speak to us.  Our spirits and imaginations need provoking in enlarging and good ways.  Art, for example, deepens our  understanding of whatever  is depicted.  Cozy spaces help us to feel safe and warm.  Inviting decor encourages conversation, laughter, friendship.  A blue ring with an imperfect stone reminds me of a lovely family holiday,  of creative and talented street vendors who love their craft.  Imagination and beauty are undoubtedly essentials to our lives.  The wrestle for me is about where the line is.  As with all things, we are so good at finding counterfeits for the essential beauty that inspires us.  I want to resist my impulse to manufacture beauty, to grasp wildly, to settle.

summer reflections

Before I get into deep thoughts about summer at Flatlanders, this is my daughter ...  having so much fun during dance camp!  I cried at the end-of-week performance, which is a regular happening.  Yes, I am one of those parents!  ... but I wasn't crying only for the usual reasons of watching time slip by, being proud of my kids etc... mostly, I was responding to the amount of JOY that was present as she and her friends danced.  They were having so much FUN!  I'm so thankful for this influence in her life!

(So maybe this is a plug for her dance school!?!?)

I've been thinking of a post for a few days - it emerges from some reflections on ordinary stuff.   The other day, I was thinking about our garden.  Marvelling is maybe a better word.  The wildflowers grew without any attention.  Not a single weed was pulled or drop of water was ever given... just a combination of nature and our initial seed scattering.      The results are beautiful, inviting smiles whenever we drive into the parking lot.      The vegetables however, have required time and attention.  Pruning, pails of water brought out, pulling out the weeds.  And in spite of the attention, we still lost a number of plants.  Our tomatoes threaten to be more green and leafy than red and fruity.  A lot more tending could have generated better success.                                                                                     In my marvelling, I also felt a bit frustrated.  I was thinking about how these two principles - tending or letting go - are at play in life and in leadership.  I was wishing that there were instructions, maybe guarantees to  guide different decisions and situations.  When should we just back up and let things take their course?  When should we be diligently involved, gently prodding in a specific direction towards a desired outcome?  And why isn't our best good enough in so many circumstances?

Later on, I was playing Rummy - which, along with Cribbage, are the games of choice at Flats.  I was paying close attention to the discard pile, waiting on the Queen of Clubs.  I followed it's path into the hand of another player, and was focused on the opportunities I'd have once he discarded it.  I actually missed two other possibilities while I focused on only the strategy I'd decided on.  It was only later that I realized that I could have won the hand if I'd been less focused on my plan and more focused on what was actually happening in front of me.

After a while, I connected my thoughts in the garden and the developments in the card game.  Sometimes, we (I) get so focused on a desired path that we can be blind to other possibilities.  Beautiful wildflowers remind us how important it is let go and let things unfold - beauty that surprises us is somehow more beautiful.  And withered plants that were tended and cared for remind us that so little is really up to us.  Feeling like we're managing things well, that we're on top of the details might be more of an illusion than we'd like to believe .

After being in the garden, my hands look like this.  Grubby, stained and weary.  But in an earthy way!  A little scraped up, but revealing that they were working towards something, even if at the end of the day its uncertain how everything will turn out.  Somehow, that seems like the best end to these thoughts....   Happy Summer!

Travelblog - San Francisco

This is going to be my last post about our awesome vacation.  I'm compiling the kind of information I loved finding when we were planning our trip .... keep in mind that we are amateur vacation takers.  Until this year, we had never ventured farther than Alberta to the West and Grand Forks to the South.  In the past, if ever we had a few days off in a row, we would use it to 'get stuff done around the house'.  But we promised the kids a trip this year and found ourselves in San Francisco for 9 wonderful days!

Our 'DO List'

• Stay in a neighborhood for at least part of the time.  Public transportation is a breeze.  I'd suggest the Sunset neighborhood, since thats the one we visited.  It has great cafes and shops and is not nearly as touristy.  It's also really close to Golden Gate Park.
• I do recommend the Grant Hotel if you want to be central (very close to Union Square).  It is also close to the much less congested California Line for Cable Cars. (where you can get to the Embarcadero and transfer to a bus or trolley to Fishermans Wharf instead of going directly there)
• An absolute must is the City Pass - which was worth it for the transportation alone.  (never mind the attractions it included!)  Note that it doesn't cover BART, only city transit options.
• visit the Ferry Building area.  The market there is unique (you can get a coffee from Blue Bottle Coffee, with complimentary latte art!). There is an outdoor Farmers Market in the summertime -maybe twice/week? The street vendors there were the most unique and personable.  If you prefer the less touristy and crowded spots, this is a good substitute for Fishermans Wharf.  It's also a lovely place to spend some time just sitting on the pier enjoying your holiday!
• Visit Chinatown on Stockton, not only on Grant.  The prices in Chinatown (on all the 'I love SF' souvenir type stuff) are not really cheaper than the Wharf.
• Go to Alcatraz.  Book through this site well in advance...the evening tour was nice, but I think the daytime would be just as good.  The park tour guides are great sources for stories and interesting history.
• A MUST - take one of these tours leaving from Pier 41 - the hop on/off trolley tour through downtown and the wharf.  Try to get Ramon as your guide, your sides will be hurting by the end of your ride!
• Find your way to Ocean Beach at Balboa, near the Cliff House.  There is a path near the Sutro Ruins which leads right into the parking lot of the Legion of Honor.  Watch the signs there, and make sure to take note of which stairs to take back up.  This is so worth it, an AMAZING hike along the coast.  We saw dolphins playing in the waves as we walked!  For an even longer walk along the beach, start out at the end of the N Line on Judah.
• Find markets near where you're staying and get picnic foods to take along while you explore.
• If you only have time for one museum, make it the Legion of Honor.

Our DON'T List

• The Go San Francisco Card is a good way to get you into lots of different attractions.  But it is expensive!  It can become a dictator of your trip  - so get it if that's what you want.  Be very careful about which days the places you want to visit are open/closed.  We went to four different places in the middle of the week, only to find that they weren't open that day.  Especially the attractions in the SOMA area - they keep some strange weekday hours, so pay attention! Also, if you're getting this card, watch for sales.  We saw it on sale, didn't get it, then decided to get it when it wasn't on sale, then noticed it on sale again later!
• Our whole family found Six Flags Discovery Kingdom to be over-rated.  Maybe we are weird or our kids are getting too old, but we only spent a few hours there and had all had enough.  The food was VERY expensive ($18 for a coffee and three breadsticks!)  Also, taking public transportation to arrive is very pricey - over $20/person all told just to get there... but, the connections are very well timed!The lines for rides and shows weren't long when we were there, and the shows were interesting. (dolphins, whales, tigers)  I think we all struggle with the idea of animals in captivity for our entertainment/enjoyment...
• Don't try to fit everything in.. remember you're on holidays!  We were better at this some days than others. 
• Don't pass up the opportunity to use San Francisco's amazing public transportation.  Cable Cars, trolleys, subways are all easily accessible.  Unless you're going outside of the city, you don't really need a car at all.
• Don't worry about your workouts - just walk lots and don't avoid the hills!
• don't neglect the many homeless people in San Francisco.  Take some time to chat, hear stories.  Buy an extra water bottle or sandwich and make someone's day as you're out walking/exploring. 
• If you can avoid it, don't visit in July/August!
• An airport shuttle is about the same price as BART to SFO, and its more convenient.
• if you're Canadian, don't forget to watch for Westjet seat sales to San Francisco... if you're from Winnipeg, you might have to fly out of another city, though!

We'd recommend a SF vacation to anyone!

Be prepared for tourists EVERYWHERE! 

more SF

you never know who you'll run into in California!

that purple and yellow ride?  The Medusa - Syd and I went on it TWICE.

no words needed, ego takes up all the room.

tour guide.

beach day

fruit picked up from the farmers market at the Ferry Station at the Embarcadero

I took video of this for my nieces....

so these trains go under the ground AND over the ground?!?!

Bren:  Stand here by the REAL gypsy!

photos on the go

We've been taking the pics off the cameras almost every day, so its easy to put up a few every couple of days... and fun to share!  I usually do these posts with my family sleeping beside me, while I wait for the day to start.  We've been sleeping on comfy mattresses in the living room of our San Franciscan friends, who graciously allowed a family of four to crash in their apartment!  Their neighborhood is called Inner Sunset. 

We are becoming better at getting around and knowing the transit options throughout the City.  Yesterday we even took the BART under the Bay to Berkeley!  (BART is the rapid train that goes further than the city of San Francisco to other nearby cities in the Bay Area)

California Academy of Sciences

Contents of a sharks stomach!

A painting from the DeYoung that made me weep (painted by Thomas Eakins)

We visited a community called Sojourners last week.  This is our tour host, Dawn, in one of the back yards - reaching for the best plums Bren and I have ever eaten, right off the tree!  There was a lemon tree next to it. 

Angel's Trumpet - one of our favorite features at the English Gardens in our city. 

We've seen a few of these in San Francisco!

Walking down Potrero St, and then suddenly we wondered if we were back in the North End -

a Piroshki store?!?

The kids enjoying their first Fish and Chips - a concession to 'please, can we NOT have bread and cheese for lunch again?' - so, they ate fish and chips, and then ate some of the bread and cheese!