mothering

so many times, I have pressed my lips into my kids hair... i've done it since they were small, small.  This is the way we stay connected, I say.  This is the way strength passes between us.  this is how our forever bond keeps going.

so many memories, the small ones that happen in families.  memories over dishes and favorite shows.  memories of favorite meals and favorite books.  memories of teaching and watching, learning and playing.

so many nights,  laying awake and praying, praying for their futures, for who they are becoming, prayingfor their path.

so many ways to say and show 'i love you'.  a look, a smile, a greeting, a touch, a favor, a backrub.

so many ways it aches to be a mom.  Who hurts this child of mine?  Why do they hurt each other, hurt me?  why are the choices so hard, why is the media so loud?

so many roads to feelings of inadequacy.  so many 'supposed tos', so many expectations of mothering.   so many comparisons.

so many tears.  so much joy. so much depth, richness.

take note...

Matt lives with us at Flats and blogs about all sorts of interesting stuff.
I'd recommend checking out his writing.
if you're ever at our place, i'd also recommend asking him to make you an espresso.

tea and toast

  I was getting dropped off this morning when i saw some friends from the community sitting and visiting on our north stairs... they hadn't been around a whole lot in the last few months, and last I heard they were homeless.  I decided to go hang out with them, not wanting to miss one of my rare chances to do that these days.  ( since taking a job I have been missing the weekly drop in gatherings - its a big loss for me)  I got caught up on the news of their lives for a few minutes before my growling stomach started to distract me (I hadn't eaten much for breakfast before I left for an early meeting).

I invited them into the church kitchen, scrounged around a bit and found some bread and honey, along with a few tea bags.  We had a little feast of tea, toast, laughter, and friendship.  

Hardly noteworthy, yet somehow profound for me.  Availability and relationship - the combination of these two things is a gift.

happy friday!

Decolonizing

I've been wondering about structural change and social issues since I moved to the inner city over 10 years ago.    This new word I learned - decolonize - seems like a really important theme in the grand scheme of things.

Is there agreement that colonial perspectives are still alive and well in our country?  What would it be like if Canadians were freed from their colonizing mindset and the subtle but pervasive reach of colonial principles?  How could that ever be achieved?

There is something about the gospel, about the stories and the life of Jesus that reminds me of 'decolonizing'.  I wonder what others think....

breakthrough

i guess when it rains it pours... no posts for a month, then two in two days :)

i am in the midst of some monumental thankfulness these days. Here are two reasons....

I have begun interning as a marriage and family therapist, and I cannot believe how much i love this work.  I have a internship that is so perfect for me I can hardly believe it.  Many of my fellow students intern in exchange for supervision, but I have a bona fide job ...  AND my clinical supervisor is at an agency in the mall a short walk from where I work.  It's beautiful.  But those details are not the best part.
The best part is the work I get to do, and the clients I get to work with. I have taken to telling people I would walk over hot coals every morning to get to this job.  I work in an inner city agency that offers free counseling.  People hear about us from all sorts of different sources, lots of times from outside the neighborhood.  Every single day I hear heartbreaking stories of trauma and pain.  And every single day, I hear heart-filling stories of strength, resilience, of facing realities with courage and determination.  I am familiar with the labels that get put on neighborhoods like the one I work in.  I wish those who perpetuate the stereotypes could sit in my office some days.  I wish they could hear what some of the families are overcoming, how much success they have in spite of tremendous obstacles.  I wish people could have a little insight into how much strength it takes to say NO to denial, numbing, and letting pain be in charge of your life.  I wish the general public was aware of how much energy it takes to turn your life around and maintain that turnaround... when the reasons it was messed up in the first place weren't your choice at all.  I appreciate our clients so much.

The other big thing I am thankful for is that our house sold!  We first listed it 27 months ago. Yes, that is over two years.  Two years of praying, wondering, feeling 'on hold', cursing, going into debt, and being on a roller coaster.  Two years of trusting and hoping amid all that agonizing.  We were always cared for and provided for... but we also were always teetering on the edge.  The edge of despair, the edge of sanity, the edge of a cliff!  We had gone on a spring walk in Point Douglas last weekend when we returned to a phone call on the Flats landline (we hardly ever use that phone because we usually rely on cell phones) that told us our agent was going to be faxing us an offer in the next couple of hours.  The conditions were lifted on Wednesday, and the new owners take possession next week!  So we waited, waited, waited, and waited some more for two years, then had to spring into action to get everything finalized in one week!  We are relieved and thankful.

Last fall, someone from church told me that she believed that Lord was speaking a message of breakthrough to our family, even though she didn't know that much about our circumstances.  Sitting quietly this week, taking in all the news we've gotten lately, it sure seems like breakthrough.

spaces

I did a post last year about aesthetics, and I find myself thinking on that topic some more. This time, I'm thinking about physical spaces more than I am about beauty.

 I'm intrigued by the influence our physical environment has on us.  I wonder how much we can be swayed because we believe the environment is a really important influence.(Does it matter as much if we have no idea its supposed to matter?!?)  I find myself wondering how much the media message (in magazines, on sitcom sets, in the weekend lifestyle pullout section of the paper, on TLC programs, ....)  that tells us what a desirable space is supposed to look like has influenced us to feel more or less at peace depending how well we've achieved the right look.....

Even though I am aware that there is some level of influence between state of mind and the external environment, I continue to be resistant to over-emphasizing the importance of decor/space/aesthetics.  I wonder if our culture has been too prone to poorly ordered priorities, and if our 'space' may be one of those things that gets more attention than it should.

I found this old issue of a Manitoba periodical called the Birth Vine in my office, and there in the middle of it were a few pages penned by one of my good friends, a midwife who spent some time working at a birthing clinic in the Philippines a few years ago.  She wrote a lot about the state of healthcare in developing regions where poverty is widespread.  But she also wrote about her family's adjustment to living in very cramped quarters that were very different from the North American home they had come from.   Many of her patients pooped into a bag because they didn't have a toilet.  She gained perspective when she compared realities around her to the desire to have her place set up 'just so', or to have enough rubbermaid containers to feel more organized.  What would some of her clients - who might not even have electricity  - have to say about the fact that we have huge superstore-warehouses devoted to light fixtures,  so that homeowners can find just the perfect accent piece for a certain wall.  (I know this ... I was in one today!) Or how would they respond when we get all bent out of shape because lighting isn't 'just right' and a desired 'ambience' hasn't been achieved?  What does ambience look like in a one room hut, anyway?

The conclusions I'm drawing have to do with rightly ordering things, which I think is what I ended up saying in my other post on this topic last year.

Sure, space and environment are worth thinking about.  But maybe we should think about them in the context of how they support priorities like relationship.  Maybe we should be wary of a preoccupation with 'spaces' that might displace other things that should be more central.  And maybe we should draw lines for ourselves so we can say 'stop' before we've crossed over and given 'spaces' more weight than we should.  And maybe we should think about how the rest of the world lives.

dying of hopelessness

  I took this picture at Gem Lake last fall, a beautiful girl with her very cute nephew.  She was a lovely, lovely girl.  I first met her when she was about 9, I think.  When we met, I was working at an inner city agency that had a drop in and a club program for young people.  She'd have been in one of my 'girls clubs' each year for a few years.  I was more connected to her siblings than I was to her over the years - I have very many vivid memories of camping and road trips with her crazy and fun brothers!  Still, I do remember her coming over to my place a couple of times.  One memory has to do with playing with dolls and stuffed animals, she loved it when we would play together!  I remember giving her one once and her eyes lighting up! Her sweet way of accepting a gift was a gift to me ... I still remember it years later.  After she grew up a bit, I'd see her around the neighborhood every once in a while, hear about her through other friends or through her siblings.... I'm so glad I got a chance to go camping with her last year - it was so good to catch up.  I caught a small glimpse of her sense of humor, which was not as edgy as others in her family, but was a big part of her personality for sure!   I got to see her interact with her nephews and nieces, with family and friends.  Her smile was so sweet, it was the unassuming kind that catches you off guard, making you want to keep talking to see that smile more and more!

 This beautiful girl took her life recently.  Her family is beautifully, inspiringly strong and I am proud to know them.  The circumstances are so difficult - yet even in their grief, they have shown grace and kindness to the mourners, while openly sharing their own sadness and tears. 

 Because of my own experiences with suicide in my family, I've come to think of it as dying of hopelessness.  Its so hard on those of us left behind when someone we love dies of hopelessness, because we're not only grieving the loss of our loved one,  but we have to negotiate the reality of the hopelessness that engulfed them and threatens to engulf us, too.  

The reality is that dying of hopelessness happens more frequently among our First Nations community than elsewhere.  There is a legacy of hurt that is generations old.  Each new generation carries parts of the those that came before them.  It's my belief that things are changing - that the tide is turning for Aboriginal Canadians - this is both a symptom of hope and a sign for increased hope. 

These are words from a 2009 UN document about the status of children in Canada .. 

We are truly on the cusp of a social renaissance in [Canada] as Aboriginal

peoples gather renewed strength. The legacy of residential school policy, which severed the last few generations of families from their children and sowed the seeds of our current malaise, is starting to lift.....

In the two years since I moved back to the North End, I've had been feeling like I have seen the truth of this statement firsthand.  Being away for two years does lend itself to renewed perspective, but its more than that....  Things are different, there are noticeable changes in attitudes and families.  I am so happy to be living at Flats, and now working in an agency where I get be such a close up observer! 

This girl's story is a personal one for sure.  But it is also connected to the legacy of the past in her family and in her community.  There is a history of hurts and wrongs in Canada that has had tremendous impact in the First Nations community.  At the same time as her story is a representation of the past, it also points to the future.  Her family - the ways they are demonstrating strength, grace, and commitment - they are a visible, tangible snapshot of a hope filled, strong future.  Did I mention that I'm proud to know them?