easter

The words below are not mine, they're from another blog I've read for a few years called The Carnival in my Head - Kathy Escobar's site.  

I was planning to write something about Easter, but I kinda thought her words said it better than I would ... Happy Resurrection Day!

to me, holy week is about downward mobility as a path to life.    Jesus, the promised messiah, rides into Jerusalem a hero and goes out on a cross next to two criminals.  he washes his followers feet.  he’s flat on his face crying out for mercy just like the rest of us.  he takes the path of most resistance instead of the path of least.   he embodies the message that going down, not rising above, is the message of the kingdom.  and we all know this a brutal message in so many ways because of what it actually requires of us.

the ways of the kingdom are utterly contrary to the ways of the world.

so in the spirit of easter; the beauty of the cross, i thought i’d share what the cross means to me this year.  not the crosses on my wall or on my necklaces i always wear, but The Cross.  the cross that was carried when Jesus could barely walk.  the cross that his hands and feet were nailed to.  the cross that he took his last breath on.  the cross at the top of hill that was surrounded by people who just a few days before were sure he was somehow going to save them in the way they expected. the cross that took his life momentarily but not in the end.

there’s no doubt in my mind i need to continually remember what the cross really means, not in a happy-clappy-trite-only-on-easter way, but in the deep places of my heart and experience that extends far beyond holy week.

this year, the cross reminds me that:

• yeah, without pain and suffering, it’s really hard to experience new life.  all the end-around-ways we try to avoid things are a big waste of time.
• my natural tendency is to find a way to take an easier way out.  even Jesus tried.
• i always want to move up, not down.  down is harder.  down hurts.  down is confusing.
• God uses the weirdest things to make a point.
• shame must be scorned.  Jesus didn’t hang on that cross so i/we could live in shame.
• love looks like sacrifice.  not talking about sacrifice.  actually sacrificing. damn, it’s easier to talk about it.
• love hurts.
• God’s way of redeeming injustice and my ways are two different things.
• victory needs a new definition; i’m almost positive it isn’t the one was taught to me in most of my christian experience.
• the world’s, the church’s , addiction to strength, power, and upward-mobility thinking need some serious shifting.
• Jesus modeled what we are actually supposed to do as his followers.  imagine what would the world look like if we actually did it?|
• without hope, we perish.
• yeah, it is finished.  like, really finished.   and that it is a mind-bender if i embrace what that really means, not just for me but for everyone.
• out of death and darkness, hope and new life emerges. sometimes in the most unexpected ways.

the prison of 'should'

Striving.  Feeling inadequate.  Not being enough.  We feel like its universal, here in the West. (spoken like the world traveller I am not!)  

Or, maybe this is more my experience than yours.  Maybe I've spent way more time feeling trapped and imprisoned by 'should', 'ought', 'supposed-to', and 'expect' than the average person. Or maybe we're blind to the bars around us?  Could it be that we're numb to trapped feelings because we don't believe there's another way?

Maybe I'm thinking about this because I'm becoming healed of it.. a little.  I think it could be due to approaching middle age, or maturity, even! :) I heard myself say recently that I feel adequate in a certain area of my life.  Not a super star, not more or better, just adequate.  And quite contentedly so.  Huh.. I don't remember feeling that way very often.  Even more surprising is that  I am feeling a little more adequate in the place that I've felt least confident - being a parent.

Mark Buchanan, a Canadian guy, writes in his book about the Rest of God (Sabbath), that 'oughts are tyrants, noisy and surly, chronically dissatisfied'.        Amen!

Theres also the 'i am enough' project I've linked to before.

Over here at Flats, one of my favorite things about us is that we recognize ourselves as  non-cooperators with some of the social expectations that lead to feelings of inadequacy... I know thats part of the draw for me, this ethos of simplicity, making do, and no-frills necessary.  We don't have to feel bad for all that we're not, because we're not trying to be all that. The vision and underlying values of the place allow us to recognize that the pressure often comes from our own broken places, not some external influence.

We had a farewell party for our interns the other week.  The hot dogs were burnt, there was no advance decorating or gift buying, the focus was almost exclusively on relationship and reflection.  I was tempted for a little while to feel inadequate - I should have done more, prepared better, spent more time on  the event.  But then, I saw the trap - I was being invited into a prison of 'not enough-ness'.  Somehow, I left it behind and it hasn't chased me down! 

.... if you're afraid of the neighborhood

Lots of people in the Point Douglas/Lord Selkirk Park communities have been working on an extensive consultation process to generate feedback and ideas for revitalization and coordination of service delivery.  Over at Flats we've been trying to be part of the movement; it was encouraging to hear that our folks had some helpful, even extensive data turned in through the collection of resident surveys.

This morning was a service provider's forum, and it was a pleasure to be among so many people who are dedicated to the community and want to find sustainable, long term solutions to local concerns.  It was also a pleasure to be among those who recognize and are part of the strengths of the neighborhood.  We might be one of the poorest regions in the country (statistically), but we are also one of the most community minded (statistically).

The talk about barriers and bottlenecks was peppered with reminders about strengths, resilience, empowerment, victories and successful partnerships.

My favorite thoughts of the day...

• programs don't change people or communities, they're just part of the mechanism which enables relationships and trust building.
• if you're afraid of the neighborhood, don't work in it!   (Recognition that negative neighborhood perception is fueled by an often uninformed public.)
• need for reverse mentoring - our neighborhood people educating workers, agencies, and public servants.
• a request for honesty about the gap between decision makers and end users; a recognition of the unjust distribution of power 

It was good.

the centrality of risk

today was a reading and studying day.  The class I am slaving (joyfully!) on at the moment is about the Pentateuch - the first five books of the Old Testament.

Writing a little helps me wrap my mind around at least some of what I've read.  I've gone through hundreds of pages!  I was struck by Abraham today.

Since I took my first in depth bible study course many years ago (the inductive method), I have had Genesis 15:6 memorized... Abrahams faith was reckoned to him as righteousness.  It was because of Abraham's believing that all the things that transpired throughout the rest of the story were able to transpire... my class notes (written by Eric Ortlund, a fine Briercrest prof) say that "... all creation will enjoy none of what Yahweh promises unless Abram is willing to engage in an act of pure faith; ... to leave without knowing anything about where, or to what, he is going.... "

somehow,  Abraham teaches us that active belief = righteousness.  And, as we see over and over in Abraham's story, the belief isn't a perfect one.  There are lies and human twisting of the promise, deceits that attempt to manipulate outcomes, even manipulate God.  Yet,  an imperfect, but risk taking faith is the intersection where so much rests.  Belief - not behavior - is the foundation of our relationship with God.

Is that as important - or as comforting - a reminder for you all as it is for me?  Of course, behaviour and obedience matter - but the starting point of belief first is crucial; it determines how what follows will unfold.

I hear echoes of Abrahams risk taking story in the actions of the first disciples who respond positively to Jesus' call to 'come, follow me'.  They drop everything and follow a man who is more like a lunatic than a messiah ... and they keep following.  Their following is marred; they stumble lots.  But they are a righteous in spite of their failings, because of their believing.  (and because of God's mercy)

We are called on to sacrifice our comforts, our privileges, our ideas, our security - like Abraham did, like the disciples did. (and like many, many others)  This is righteousness, misguided as it usually is!  Even though we can't know fully what we're getting ourselves into, its that believing - initially and consistently -  that paves the way for everything that follows.  Paired with the lovingkindness (i like finding ways to use that word!) of God, its an amazing force of goodness and grace in the world.

This post reminds me of a woman I am missing today... our internship program ended this past week, and one of our interns returned home to Southern Ontario.  Today is the first day without the familiar swish-swish of her slippers down our halls.... I've shed a mixture of sad and happy tears.  (sadness that she's not with us, happiness that there are so many wonderful things ahead of her!)

This lovely young lady demonstrated some incredible risk taking by coming to live in our neighborhood when her previous experience was so different from anything like this.  She took my advice to 'act like you belong here, because you do!' very seriously for 8 months.  She took relational risks, safety risks, comfort risks, and CREATIVE risks.  She modeled some really important qualities of discipleship, and she did it with grace, courage, and beauty.  She came to a strange place where she knew next to no one in order to completely give herself to learning and serving. Her final reflections grew from a risk-taker's heart, and they revealed deepened self understanding, and a greater awareness of God's presence.

Where are you at with risk taking these days?

mothering

so many times, I have pressed my lips into my kids hair... i've done it since they were small, small.  This is the way we stay connected, I say.  This is the way strength passes between us.  this is how our forever bond keeps going.

so many memories, the small ones that happen in families.  memories over dishes and favorite shows.  memories of favorite meals and favorite books.  memories of teaching and watching, learning and playing.

so many nights,  laying awake and praying, praying for their futures, for who they are becoming, prayingfor their path.

so many ways to say and show 'i love you'.  a look, a smile, a greeting, a touch, a favor, a backrub.

so many ways it aches to be a mom.  Who hurts this child of mine?  Why do they hurt each other, hurt me?  why are the choices so hard, why is the media so loud?

so many roads to feelings of inadequacy.  so many 'supposed tos', so many expectations of mothering.   so many comparisons.

so many tears.  so much joy. so much depth, richness.

take note...

Matt lives with us at Flats and blogs about all sorts of interesting stuff.
I'd recommend checking out his writing.
if you're ever at our place, i'd also recommend asking him to make you an espresso.

tea and toast

  I was getting dropped off this morning when i saw some friends from the community sitting and visiting on our north stairs... they hadn't been around a whole lot in the last few months, and last I heard they were homeless.  I decided to go hang out with them, not wanting to miss one of my rare chances to do that these days.  ( since taking a job I have been missing the weekly drop in gatherings - its a big loss for me)  I got caught up on the news of their lives for a few minutes before my growling stomach started to distract me (I hadn't eaten much for breakfast before I left for an early meeting).

I invited them into the church kitchen, scrounged around a bit and found some bread and honey, along with a few tea bags.  We had a little feast of tea, toast, laughter, and friendship.  

Hardly noteworthy, yet somehow profound for me.  Availability and relationship - the combination of these two things is a gift.

happy friday!