the year end post

like lots of bloggers, here is a year end compilation of best-ofs, reflections, hopes, thoughts.. all because of the way we understand the significance of that moment between December 31 and January 1st...

best moments of 2010 -

• the year starting with an engagement as the clock struck 12:01 ... followed by a May wedding at our house! 
• deciding to stay long term at Flats
• starting practicum, moving in the direction of dreams, seeing the fruit of hard work
• San Francisco with the family for 9 wonderful days in July!!
• finding out just how much I can cope with and realizing what is on the other side of getting to the place of NOT being able to cope anymore
• mini escapes retreats - Grand Forks, Vancouver, Kenora, Calgary, Hepburn, even Caronport!
• visiting another intentional community - Sojourners - and learning from their structure/practices
• receiving an indian name in a very moving and memorable way
• watching my husband become a student ... one who loves learning, does well, and is accomplishing goals that he never thought were possible for him
• seeing our kids grow into loving our crazy life and crazy choices - watching them interact and reap the benefits of living in community (and maybe even learn a few of the lessons it teaches....)
• having all sorts of new people move in with us, learning about people in deep and meaningful ways, learning what makes them tick and what makes them hide in their rooms.
• realizing that I might just be an okay therapist someday, and realizing that narrative ideas are a good fit with my values and passion for community.  Sort of like a falling into something by accident and realizing that it maybe wasn't so accidental...
• spending time with nieces and nephews, realizing in every visit the deep joy that is part of these relationships!  ' I yuv ewe, unka-telly' - accompanied by a tight squeeze of little arms around my neck - that has to be my favourite phrase of the year!  

best books I read this year - I love books.  I LOVE books - the paper pages and cover kind that we hold in our hand!  I am saddened by the popularity of Kindle and its cousins because I'm afraid they signal the beginning of the end of real books. Here are a few of the bona fide books I loved flipping the pages of this year - cover to cover, with highlighter in hand!

• Stuart Murray's The Naked Anabaptist
• Katie Funk Wiebe's You Never Gave me a Name (Thanks, Lisa!)
• Hauerwas andVaniers's title in the Duke Reconciliation Series Living Gently in a Violent World
• Jonathan Wilson's (Sr.)  Living Faithfully in a Fragmented World (I also enjoyed a coffee date with Jonathan in Vancouver, accompanied by Jess and Noah!)

treasured learning - 

• both/and not either/or - more on this in a future post, I hope.  Suffice it to say that I am internalizing and gaining insights about the co-existence of apparent extremes, learning about contrasts. Especially, I'm becoming more accepting of their frequency and regularity in all of life ... I'm embracing both/and and letting go of either/or. (I guess this is still on the theme of accepting tension)
• marriage - 2010 was hands down the hardest year of married life we've ever had.  2011 will (we hope) be the year of living out the things we learned and leaving behind the things that need to be left behind.  Enough said.

reflections - 

• 2009 and 2010 were both years that I'm glad to see the back-end of.  Thats a yucky feeling - the inner war between being ungrateful and being honest.
• I'm so grateful for the consistent awareness throughout both years of the amazing gift of family and friends who love and support you through challenging circumstances.   I am so grateful for people like Bren, Lorrie, Paul, Lisa, Ted, Karen, Bry, Andy, Bek, Lori, Warren, Lisa B, Sheryl, Zach, Jeff, Amanda, Carol, Rob, Gloria, Cath, Cynthia, Norma, Bruce, Cory, all the Flats (past and present!) - and many others who have supported, prayed, loved, cared, and encouraged. There are so many people (lots not named!) who consistently show me what it is to be a friend. My life is so rich because of the people in it.   
• I can be honest about the consistent struggle in both years - we haven't been able to find the balance, consistency, or the certainty that we once had - yet we try to have a normal life in its absence. Here's to hoping that 2011 is the year of renewed stability. 

looking forward to in 2011 - 

• internship - as I write this, three possibilities for internship are yet to be sifted through and decided upon.  
• more time with friends - we realize that much of our life is taken up with community living stuff, and then there's the business of making ends meet and having time as a couple or as a family... there's precious little left over!  We are both resolving to spend more time with our amazing friends and family in 2011.

year end creativity

I started thinking about my year end collage/vision/reflection board today.  (That's last years pictured - it hangs in our room .... ) This is a tradition I've started in the last couple of years - the board is a compilation of words, phrases, images, ideas.  It helps me to think on what's been and what's ahead....

What are your creative year end activities?  Let's hear about it! 

I accidentally found out that vision boards are not my own invention!

check out this great link for more ideas:

http://www.chookooloonks.com/the-beauty-of-different/2010/12/1/own-your-beauty-creativity.html

advent

advent reflections this year have been a blessing - I say that every year and its always true.  I was particularly encouraged by an early december reflection about the church year - which begins with advent.  David wrote about the difference between ordinary time and extraordinary time.  We are in ordinary time all year, except during Advent and Lent - those are 'extraordinary times' in the church calendar.  Since I began observing lent and advent many years ago, it would seem that these extraordinary times have shaped my growth and my devotion.  The most poignant times in my spiritual life are often traceable to lenten or advent reflections.   I remember sitting in our prayer room on Parr street about 10 years ago when John 15 came alive for me in ways that I still recall like it was yesterday - the moment is frozen in time and the memory is sacred. Matthew 11 was part of our morning reading today and I recalled sharing about that passage during advent in a Saskatoon church a couple of years ago.  Another time, way back in the days when we were at FGMB, I remember another sharing out of Mt 11 with a moms group.  Extraordinary indeed.

Imagery is so often an important part of my devotional life; and this advent season has found me picturing waiting and emptiness as I read and pray.  Our community's morning prayer includes the line; 'I will come, in my innermost self, to the courts of my God, and show myself to Him again.'  Each day, saying those words has generated a mental picture of what I see when I contemplate showing my inner self to God.  Now, during advent, the 'showing myself' has changed to a picture of hopeful, anticipatory emptiness - waiting to be filled, to be cleansed, to be healed... in the courts of my God, Emmanuel.

We have heard with our ears, O God,

our ancestors have told us,

what deeds you performed in their days,

in the days of old:

you with your own hand drove out the nations,

but them you planted;

you afflicted the peoples,

but them you set free;

 for not by their own sword did they win the land,

nor did their own arm give them victory;

but your right hand, and your arm,

and the light of your countenance,

for you delighted in them.

 You are my King and my God;

you command* victories for Jacob.

Through you we push down our foes;

through your name we tread down our assailants.

For not in my bow do I trust,

nor can my sword save me.

 But you have saved us from our foes,

and have put to confusion those who hate us.

 In God we have boasted continually,

and we will give thanks to your name for ever.

Ps 44

Handles

    You know what I mean by handles, right?  I don't actually mean the literal handles like the ones we open doors or flush toilets with... I mean metaphorical handles that help us understand stuff thats going on in our lives.

Like, when we are seeking clarity or understanding as we communicate with a friend... we ask questions in order to 'get a handle' on the matter.

Or, if we are trying to make sense of circumstances that confound us, sometimes we need to break things down to whatever things we can make the most sense of, or 'get a handle on'.

I have a few 'handles' that have been helpful lately.  Today, I'm listing them here for your reading enjoyment...maybe you'll adopt a new handle!

• pipes and water.  This handle came from a conversation with my friend and pastor, Bruce.  It helps me in my constant struggle with structured vs. unstructured.  (or porous vs rigid, loose vs tight, flowy vs. controlled...)  Think about the water and pipes going to and fro from source to tap.  Water is free and unconstrained.  It moves wherever it wants, isn't obedient or conforming.  Water is flowy and uncontrolled, open to whatever opportunity might present itself.  It can change course without much thought; where it went yesterday has no bearing on today!  Pipes, on the other hand, they restrain and restrict water.  They direct it and help it to not make a mess or overflow in undesirable ways.  They carry it to where it needs to go.  The reason that this handle so helpful is that it reminds me that both pipes and water are necessary, and that they need eachother.  Pipes are silly if there is not water to deliver, but water without pipes can be unattainable mess.  The 'pipes vs. water' handle is a good one for me as I look for balance in my mind and in my life.

• vulnerability as path.  This handle comes from life in community and also from seminary classes.   It seems like a willingness to be vulnerable, to put ourselves out there, leads to freedom, trust and depth in communication.  I feel like I have repeatedly seen this evidenced in my own relationships and in others around me.  Vulnerability is often feared, and the cost of obeying that fear is high. I've written before about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4) as growth and maturity.  A certain commentary talks about a life of truthing - which is impossible without vulnerability and the inevitable blows we'll suffer because we've allowed it instead of fearing it.  Now, when I am in the midst of a conversation where I can be more honest or less, I think of my new handle of vulnerability as path and choose the path accordingly...
• stackable losses.  This handle on grieving has helped me so much in the last couple of months!  I talked enough about it before, so I wont go into that again.  Envisioning losses piled up on top of each other is a great handle on understanding stress.
• deleting files.  You know how you can go into your email program, and go to the deleted folder, and there is a command there that allows you to delete all the mail in there at once?  OR, you can select the files you want to save, but delete the rest?  I think deleting files is a great handle on what needs to happen in our mental filing cabinet every once in a while.  There could be some unmet expectations filed away that are causing havoc just because they haven't been deleted.  There could be unresolved grudges or hurts that hang around and unwittingly affect new opportunities and relationships .. all we have to do is take a look and see that certain files we forgot about are still hanging around - then decide if we actually want to keep them.  Recently, I went through a mental file about 'what I thought it would look like to be a long term Flatlander' and deleted all sorts of crap - but I held on to a few key non negotiables, and starred /flagged those files so I remember to review them even more often!
• christian imagination.  This is a handle i've been using for a while to think about all sorts of ideas.  I resent modernity for reducing our faith to the least mysterious and most scientific explanation!  When I consider the layers of meaning in the scriptures, the stories of Jesus, even faith itself, I employ this handle to open things up, not wrap them up in a manageable package.

But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knitted together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.   Eph. 4

money and stuff

After months of hemming and stewing, I've posted a new page on this blog called Contributing. It talks about money - even a way to be supportive of this life we've committed to at Flats.

The page outlines points along the journey, and it'll stay around should anyone wish to access the info down the road.  For now, suffice to say that it has indeed been a journey....

From when we came to Flatlanders in 2009 to now, very few of our plans, dreams, ideas, and hopes with regard to finances have come together as we'd have liked.  It's been hard, and up til now we've been pretty closed-mouthed about it all.  One of the reasons it's been sort of 'under wraps' is because we've always been in the midst of an idea that should address the concerns ... it always seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel was just a month or two longer ... AND - this is a really important part - we've felt taken care of.   Whether it was an unexpected contract that came along at exactly the right time, or a larger income tax refund than we expected, there have been good surprises along the way too.  But overall, its been a heavy burden, and there have been a few disappointments along the way that were heavy too.

But a couple of weeks ago, (I think it had something to do with figuring out and naming losses)  I was just ready to be honest about it.  So now, the truth is out.. this financial part of our life at Flatlanders just hasn't come together yet!  It will, and maybe this openness is part of that, who knows?!

these days.

A bunch of new Flatlanders moved in over the summer.  I wrote about that in a couple of posts earlier this year ... (see story and planning entries)

 Anyway, its been a while now since we all started sharing the same address and calling it HOME.  I'm going to try and capture some of the details of these last few months, knowing that I cannot do it justice in this format . I'm gonna try anyways.  There have been many sweet, inspiring times.  It goes without saying that the positive isn't all there is, right?  Its so, so GOOD to live and learn with others.

• imagine a mixture of pj's, chore lists, mops and buckets, smells of pine sol mixed with bacon, bed-heads, loud music, finding teenagers hiding from their jobs, and you're starting to get a picture of our saturday morning deep clean routine.  The working together is a highlight of my week. (I also kinda like it when the floors aren't sticky...)
• loving other people's kids.  and other people loving our kids.  and our kids loving being Flatlanders.  I think my heart could explode!
• flatlanders sunday at WCV - a bunch of us leading singing and playing music, a bunch of us bringing tours through the space, a bunch of us sharing about what it means to live in community.  We were all proud of us.
• 5 community meals per week and you never know what you're gonna get...Beet burgers, anyone?! -(very tasty, by the way...)  There is so much fun just waiting to be found in our freezer.
• dreaming - how can we be more present in the neighborhood?  what does it mean to be present?  what does it mean that home is here and here is home?
• hanging out.  usually on the 2nd floor.  there is often someone ready to chat .. maybe even give a shoulder massage!
• capture the flag!! picture it ... about 2000 square feet of warehouse, 2 teams of all ages, all the lights out after dark... and the 'flags' are Owen's old skateboards.  90 minutes of giggles - and not only from the girls!
• one of my sweet nieces,  getting ready for bed during the weekly sleepover: "I want to go say goodnight to the people.  ALL the people."
• conversations about calling, about downward mobility, about Jesus, about seeing and not seeing, about allowing transformation and challenging expectations, theology students finding lots of unique dialogues
• interns who want to serve and learn and love in such beautiful ways it makes my heart hurt

this is the lid from the honey jar. We find lots of creative ways to communicate.

a corner turned

I turned to my friend the other night as we were chatting and confessed that I'd lost my groove, that something had fallen off the rails somehow and I needed to get back on track.  It wasn't until the words were out of my mouth that I realized both that I had lost my groove AND that I was beginning to find it again.  In the mucky midst of it, I wasn't really aware of how lost and off track I was.  I've read confessional posts around the interweb about sadness, about mourning, about loss, even about depression.  And I always identify somewhat, but with some distance.  Very important and necessary distance.
See, if you have a parent that struggled with depression and then ended their life, it's pretty hard to ever imagine yourself as struggling with sadness or grief.  If you're me, you just keep spinning positive and smiling and hanging in, finding the good and the lesson in everything. It's an essential to survival, this spinning positive.  Plus,  we're supposed to do that as good Christian folk anyway.  It's in the manual.
Some of my fellow students were talking about a counselling class I missed, where they learned about 'stackable losses'.  As they described this idea that was completely new to me, I identified a lot with the concept.  Basically, when we have multiple consecutive or concurrent losses, we are unable to respond to additional losses.  Our coping ability diminishes as losses increase.  I heard my friends talking, but I immediately saw in my mind a picture of our little garden at Flats.  
A few of us were going to work on the garden together, but the plan didn't come together as hoped.  I did my best on my own with it until we were away in July.  When we got back from San Francisco, the garden was pretty overgrown.  I weeded and watered, but it didn't seem to be enough.  Then we had 3 days of blistering heat.  I went out on the first two days and watered my little garden, but by the third day the wilting and sad plants actually brought tears to my eyes.  I turned around, locked the gate and didn't venture back into the garden again.  Even though the greenspace materialized over the next few weeks and became a beautiful place that I'd been dreaming of and waiting for, I stayed away.
Stackable losses - pile them up on top of each other and you end up with very little room at the top to deal with dying plants that friends forgot to water.  
So, how do you make more room, or get back to who or where you were before the losses started to pile up?  I dunno, my classmates left out that part!  
But just realizing that I'd had losses, and that they had stacked up very high has helped me find my lost groove and turn a corner. 
 I managed to form the question 'could I be depressed?' at a recent visit to the doctor. She looked at me in her kind and knowledgeable way (only a woman who has witnessed and helped me to give birth could have such a compassionate look!) and said "I don't think so.  You're life is full of things most of us insulate ourselves from.  You've taken on a lot and its not cheap.  I know you have good strategies.  Some times will be harder than others, and it looks to me like you're gonna be just fine."
Like a good doctor, she said we'll keep our eye on it and monitor frequently.  And because she is so aware of my family history, she has never missed a chance to say 'How are you REALLY doing?'  
Since learning about stackable losses, I've named some huge losses in my life over the last few years.  I've even painted them on a canvas!  I'm disciplining myself NOT to think about the lessons and gains just yet, to actually allow myself to count losses for what they are.  

  Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, 

      set these once-broken bones to dancing. 

   Don't look too close for blemishes, 

      give me a clean bill of health. 

   God, make a fresh start in me, 

      shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. 

   Don't throw me out with the trash, 

      or fail to breathe holiness in me. 

   Bring me back from gray exile, 

      put a fresh wind in my sails! 

   Give me a job teaching rebels your ways 

      so the lost can find their way home. 

   Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, 

      and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. 

   Unbutton my lips, dear God; 

      I'll let loose with your praise. 

  Going through the motions doesn't please you, 

      a flawless performance is nothing to you. 

   I learned God-worship 

      when my pride was shattered. 

   Heart-shattered lives ready for love 

      don't for a moment escape God's notice. 

from psalm 51 - the message