MLK

Martin Luther King Jr. Day is today.  

Canadians join in appreciating and honouring the legacy of a man whose 'dream' contributed to very important change, and who became synonymous with courage and justice.  When I think of Martin Luther King, I think of speaking up, of grace.  I think of having the strength to act when rage and despair would be so inviting.

I think of honesty and reflection, shared responsibility.

I think of dignity, wisdom and leadership .... in action.

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

“The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.”

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

With Rosa Parks - another grace filled person, even when she'd had enough

reason and foolishness

A while back, I woke up one morning and couldn't find my rings as I was getting ready.  The rings I wear are pretty special to me. They aren't the expensive kind, they're just really meaningful - two of them were custom made for special occasions, another was my wedding ring, and then there was the San Francisco Embarcadero street vendor ring ... Losing one ring would have been a loss, all of them at once was a pretty big deal to me.  There are very few material 'things' I'm attached to, but I felt attached to my rings. 

 So, I did a pretty thorough search and found nothing ...  but I decided not to fret because they were sure to turn up - I chalked it up to scatterbrain-itis, which I suffer from with frustrating regularity.  One of my housemates looked through my room, my purse, my jacket ... everywhere, just in case I'd missed something.  Someone else wrote a note on the community white board asking if anyone had seen them.. but no one had.  

After a few days, we all started thinking that maybe the rings had been stolen.  No one wanted to think about it early on, we all thought they'd turn up and didn't want to be making crazy assumptions. (scatterbrain-itis is not a condition one can keep very secret, and I suspect everyone believed it was to blame!)  But, when no rings turned up, we started to piece together an understanding that there must have been some kind of weird security breach ... I might have left our door open, or left the rings in the common area, and somehow it must have happened that someone got into the space and snatched them.  Security breaches have happened, though not often, and others have had things stolen from their personal space, it wasn't all that far fetched (even though we try to be vigilant about locking things up).  I walked to all the pawn shops in the neighborhood, described the rings and hoped for the best, but came back empty handed and discouraged.

After a couple of weeks, one of our community friends called me, saying that he'd heard about the rings being missing and he felt guilty.  He said he'd seen them on the counter and hadn't touched them.  He was intoxicated and weepy, saying that he felt ashamed and guilty.  It sounded like a confused and broken admission of guilt.  As I talked it over with some of the other Flatlanders, we remembered that that he'd been acting very strange the day the rings went missing, and that he'd left very unexpectedly even though he'd  been planning to stay for waffles... hmmm. Later that day, I asked our friend straight up if he'd taken them, and he said no.  I assured him that our friendship was more important than rings, and told him that I wouldn't be that mad even if he had done it.  He still said, nope, he hadn't done it.  In the moment, I believed him.  But then, I sat with the new details for a few more days and slowly replaced my 'the-rings-were-stolen-by-a-random-person' understanding with a new 'the-rings-were-stolen-by-my-friend' understanding.  It seemed only reasonable ... 

Last Sunday, one of my housemates came to my room and said she had a surprise for me .. A few others had followed her up to watch me receive the big surprise... I was hoping for chocolate, but instead she opened her hand and there, in her curled up palm, were my rings.  Over a month after they had gone missing, there they were in her hand.  Turns out I had left them in her room when I was attending to some medical equipment she has in there. I left them on a shelf near her bed.  We'd all completely forgotten that I'd gone into her room, no one ever thought to look there. So, in the end, scatterbrain-itis was the culprit after all.

Maybe you think the story will end here, but I'm gonna keep going.

You know my friend, the one who phoned me grief-struck and feeling guilty because I'd lost my rings?  It was so easy for us to believe he'd done it.  He'd done stuff like that before, he had acted strange and ran off on the day they went missing ... the pieces all fit together - we reasoned that it must have been him.  It was just so reasonable to believe that he was guilty, and to accuse him in our minds and hearts.

One of the things I've learned over and over and somehow still need to keep re-learning is that reason is not necessarily trustworthy.   Somehow, I'm way too willing to trust my own ability to reason.  It has allowed me to  doubt people far too quickly - people who are my friends and to whom I want to offer honor and dignity. More than I want to admit, my reasoning marginalizes people.  I'm ashamed of the perch of superiority that I can climb onto with such ease.  I'm ashamed that I'm so easily skeptical of my friend but so sure of myself.

The thought that I just can't shake is ... whats it like to be my friend?  To hear that something went missing and to feel responsible, to feel blamed even though you had nothing to do with it and you weren't accused?  What it like for those kinds of beliefs about yourself to live in your head, day in and day out?  

Maybe more importantly - how much has my, or our, collective 'reasoning' contributed to his deep seated feelings of guilt and shame?

Ouch.  


this post is long enough - but I can't help thinking about john 9 and the story of the man born blind.. to reveal the glory of God. (and the arrogance of those who think they know....)

the year end post

like lots of bloggers, here is a year end compilation of best-ofs, reflections, hopes, thoughts.. all because of the way we understand the significance of that moment between December 31 and January 1st...

best moments of 2010 -

• the year starting with an engagement as the clock struck 12:01 ... followed by a May wedding at our house! 
• deciding to stay long term at Flats
• starting practicum, moving in the direction of dreams, seeing the fruit of hard work
• San Francisco with the family for 9 wonderful days in July!!
• finding out just how much I can cope with and realizing what is on the other side of getting to the place of NOT being able to cope anymore
• mini escapes retreats - Grand Forks, Vancouver, Kenora, Calgary, Hepburn, even Caronport!
• visiting another intentional community - Sojourners - and learning from their structure/practices
• receiving an indian name in a very moving and memorable way
• watching my husband become a student ... one who loves learning, does well, and is accomplishing goals that he never thought were possible for him
• seeing our kids grow into loving our crazy life and crazy choices - watching them interact and reap the benefits of living in community (and maybe even learn a few of the lessons it teaches....)
• having all sorts of new people move in with us, learning about people in deep and meaningful ways, learning what makes them tick and what makes them hide in their rooms.
• realizing that I might just be an okay therapist someday, and realizing that narrative ideas are a good fit with my values and passion for community.  Sort of like a falling into something by accident and realizing that it maybe wasn't so accidental...
• spending time with nieces and nephews, realizing in every visit the deep joy that is part of these relationships!  ' I yuv ewe, unka-telly' - accompanied by a tight squeeze of little arms around my neck - that has to be my favourite phrase of the year!  

best books I read this year - I love books.  I LOVE books - the paper pages and cover kind that we hold in our hand!  I am saddened by the popularity of Kindle and its cousins because I'm afraid they signal the beginning of the end of real books. Here are a few of the bona fide books I loved flipping the pages of this year - cover to cover, with highlighter in hand!

• Stuart Murray's The Naked Anabaptist
• Katie Funk Wiebe's You Never Gave me a Name (Thanks, Lisa!)
• Hauerwas andVaniers's title in the Duke Reconciliation Series Living Gently in a Violent World
• Jonathan Wilson's (Sr.)  Living Faithfully in a Fragmented World (I also enjoyed a coffee date with Jonathan in Vancouver, accompanied by Jess and Noah!)

treasured learning - 

• both/and not either/or - more on this in a future post, I hope.  Suffice it to say that I am internalizing and gaining insights about the co-existence of apparent extremes, learning about contrasts. Especially, I'm becoming more accepting of their frequency and regularity in all of life ... I'm embracing both/and and letting go of either/or. (I guess this is still on the theme of accepting tension)
• marriage - 2010 was hands down the hardest year of married life we've ever had.  2011 will (we hope) be the year of living out the things we learned and leaving behind the things that need to be left behind.  Enough said.

reflections - 

• 2009 and 2010 were both years that I'm glad to see the back-end of.  Thats a yucky feeling - the inner war between being ungrateful and being honest.
• I'm so grateful for the consistent awareness throughout both years of the amazing gift of family and friends who love and support you through challenging circumstances.   I am so grateful for people like Bren, Lorrie, Paul, Lisa, Ted, Karen, Bry, Andy, Bek, Lori, Warren, Lisa B, Sheryl, Zach, Jeff, Amanda, Carol, Rob, Gloria, Cath, Cynthia, Norma, Bruce, Cory, all the Flats (past and present!) - and many others who have supported, prayed, loved, cared, and encouraged. There are so many people (lots not named!) who consistently show me what it is to be a friend. My life is so rich because of the people in it.   
• I can be honest about the consistent struggle in both years - we haven't been able to find the balance, consistency, or the certainty that we once had - yet we try to have a normal life in its absence. Here's to hoping that 2011 is the year of renewed stability. 

looking forward to in 2011 - 

• internship - as I write this, three possibilities for internship are yet to be sifted through and decided upon.  
• more time with friends - we realize that much of our life is taken up with community living stuff, and then there's the business of making ends meet and having time as a couple or as a family... there's precious little left over!  We are both resolving to spend more time with our amazing friends and family in 2011.

year end creativity

I started thinking about my year end collage/vision/reflection board today.  (That's last years pictured - it hangs in our room .... ) This is a tradition I've started in the last couple of years - the board is a compilation of words, phrases, images, ideas.  It helps me to think on what's been and what's ahead....

What are your creative year end activities?  Let's hear about it! 

I accidentally found out that vision boards are not my own invention!

check out this great link for more ideas:

http://www.chookooloonks.com/the-beauty-of-different/2010/12/1/own-your-beauty-creativity.html

advent

advent reflections this year have been a blessing - I say that every year and its always true.  I was particularly encouraged by an early december reflection about the church year - which begins with advent.  David wrote about the difference between ordinary time and extraordinary time.  We are in ordinary time all year, except during Advent and Lent - those are 'extraordinary times' in the church calendar.  Since I began observing lent and advent many years ago, it would seem that these extraordinary times have shaped my growth and my devotion.  The most poignant times in my spiritual life are often traceable to lenten or advent reflections.   I remember sitting in our prayer room on Parr street about 10 years ago when John 15 came alive for me in ways that I still recall like it was yesterday - the moment is frozen in time and the memory is sacred. Matthew 11 was part of our morning reading today and I recalled sharing about that passage during advent in a Saskatoon church a couple of years ago.  Another time, way back in the days when we were at FGMB, I remember another sharing out of Mt 11 with a moms group.  Extraordinary indeed.

Imagery is so often an important part of my devotional life; and this advent season has found me picturing waiting and emptiness as I read and pray.  Our community's morning prayer includes the line; 'I will come, in my innermost self, to the courts of my God, and show myself to Him again.'  Each day, saying those words has generated a mental picture of what I see when I contemplate showing my inner self to God.  Now, during advent, the 'showing myself' has changed to a picture of hopeful, anticipatory emptiness - waiting to be filled, to be cleansed, to be healed... in the courts of my God, Emmanuel.

We have heard with our ears, O God,

our ancestors have told us,

what deeds you performed in their days,

in the days of old:

you with your own hand drove out the nations,

but them you planted;

you afflicted the peoples,

but them you set free;

 for not by their own sword did they win the land,

nor did their own arm give them victory;

but your right hand, and your arm,

and the light of your countenance,

for you delighted in them.

 You are my King and my God;

you command* victories for Jacob.

Through you we push down our foes;

through your name we tread down our assailants.

For not in my bow do I trust,

nor can my sword save me.

 But you have saved us from our foes,

and have put to confusion those who hate us.

 In God we have boasted continually,

and we will give thanks to your name for ever.

Ps 44

Handles

    You know what I mean by handles, right?  I don't actually mean the literal handles like the ones we open doors or flush toilets with... I mean metaphorical handles that help us understand stuff thats going on in our lives.

Like, when we are seeking clarity or understanding as we communicate with a friend... we ask questions in order to 'get a handle' on the matter.

Or, if we are trying to make sense of circumstances that confound us, sometimes we need to break things down to whatever things we can make the most sense of, or 'get a handle on'.

I have a few 'handles' that have been helpful lately.  Today, I'm listing them here for your reading enjoyment...maybe you'll adopt a new handle!

• pipes and water.  This handle came from a conversation with my friend and pastor, Bruce.  It helps me in my constant struggle with structured vs. unstructured.  (or porous vs rigid, loose vs tight, flowy vs. controlled...)  Think about the water and pipes going to and fro from source to tap.  Water is free and unconstrained.  It moves wherever it wants, isn't obedient or conforming.  Water is flowy and uncontrolled, open to whatever opportunity might present itself.  It can change course without much thought; where it went yesterday has no bearing on today!  Pipes, on the other hand, they restrain and restrict water.  They direct it and help it to not make a mess or overflow in undesirable ways.  They carry it to where it needs to go.  The reason that this handle so helpful is that it reminds me that both pipes and water are necessary, and that they need eachother.  Pipes are silly if there is not water to deliver, but water without pipes can be unattainable mess.  The 'pipes vs. water' handle is a good one for me as I look for balance in my mind and in my life.

• vulnerability as path.  This handle comes from life in community and also from seminary classes.   It seems like a willingness to be vulnerable, to put ourselves out there, leads to freedom, trust and depth in communication.  I feel like I have repeatedly seen this evidenced in my own relationships and in others around me.  Vulnerability is often feared, and the cost of obeying that fear is high. I've written before about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4) as growth and maturity.  A certain commentary talks about a life of truthing - which is impossible without vulnerability and the inevitable blows we'll suffer because we've allowed it instead of fearing it.  Now, when I am in the midst of a conversation where I can be more honest or less, I think of my new handle of vulnerability as path and choose the path accordingly...
• stackable losses.  This handle on grieving has helped me so much in the last couple of months!  I talked enough about it before, so I wont go into that again.  Envisioning losses piled up on top of each other is a great handle on understanding stress.
• deleting files.  You know how you can go into your email program, and go to the deleted folder, and there is a command there that allows you to delete all the mail in there at once?  OR, you can select the files you want to save, but delete the rest?  I think deleting files is a great handle on what needs to happen in our mental filing cabinet every once in a while.  There could be some unmet expectations filed away that are causing havoc just because they haven't been deleted.  There could be unresolved grudges or hurts that hang around and unwittingly affect new opportunities and relationships .. all we have to do is take a look and see that certain files we forgot about are still hanging around - then decide if we actually want to keep them.  Recently, I went through a mental file about 'what I thought it would look like to be a long term Flatlander' and deleted all sorts of crap - but I held on to a few key non negotiables, and starred /flagged those files so I remember to review them even more often!
• christian imagination.  This is a handle i've been using for a while to think about all sorts of ideas.  I resent modernity for reducing our faith to the least mysterious and most scientific explanation!  When I consider the layers of meaning in the scriptures, the stories of Jesus, even faith itself, I employ this handle to open things up, not wrap them up in a manageable package.

But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knitted together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.   Eph. 4

money and stuff

After months of hemming and stewing, I've posted a new page on this blog called Contributing. It talks about money - even a way to be supportive of this life we've committed to at Flats.

The page outlines points along the journey, and it'll stay around should anyone wish to access the info down the road.  For now, suffice to say that it has indeed been a journey....

From when we came to Flatlanders in 2009 to now, very few of our plans, dreams, ideas, and hopes with regard to finances have come together as we'd have liked.  It's been hard, and up til now we've been pretty closed-mouthed about it all.  One of the reasons it's been sort of 'under wraps' is because we've always been in the midst of an idea that should address the concerns ... it always seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel was just a month or two longer ... AND - this is a really important part - we've felt taken care of.   Whether it was an unexpected contract that came along at exactly the right time, or a larger income tax refund than we expected, there have been good surprises along the way too.  But overall, its been a heavy burden, and there have been a few disappointments along the way that were heavy too.

But a couple of weeks ago, (I think it had something to do with figuring out and naming losses)  I was just ready to be honest about it.  So now, the truth is out.. this financial part of our life at Flatlanders just hasn't come together yet!  It will, and maybe this openness is part of that, who knows?!