these days.

A bunch of new Flatlanders moved in over the summer.  I wrote about that in a couple of posts earlier this year ... (see story and planning entries)

 Anyway, its been a while now since we all started sharing the same address and calling it HOME.  I'm going to try and capture some of the details of these last few months, knowing that I cannot do it justice in this format . I'm gonna try anyways.  There have been many sweet, inspiring times.  It goes without saying that the positive isn't all there is, right?  Its so, so GOOD to live and learn with others.

• imagine a mixture of pj's, chore lists, mops and buckets, smells of pine sol mixed with bacon, bed-heads, loud music, finding teenagers hiding from their jobs, and you're starting to get a picture of our saturday morning deep clean routine.  The working together is a highlight of my week. (I also kinda like it when the floors aren't sticky...)
• loving other people's kids.  and other people loving our kids.  and our kids loving being Flatlanders.  I think my heart could explode!
• flatlanders sunday at WCV - a bunch of us leading singing and playing music, a bunch of us bringing tours through the space, a bunch of us sharing about what it means to live in community.  We were all proud of us.
• 5 community meals per week and you never know what you're gonna get...Beet burgers, anyone?! -(very tasty, by the way...)  There is so much fun just waiting to be found in our freezer.
• dreaming - how can we be more present in the neighborhood?  what does it mean to be present?  what does it mean that home is here and here is home?
• hanging out.  usually on the 2nd floor.  there is often someone ready to chat .. maybe even give a shoulder massage!
• capture the flag!! picture it ... about 2000 square feet of warehouse, 2 teams of all ages, all the lights out after dark... and the 'flags' are Owen's old skateboards.  90 minutes of giggles - and not only from the girls!
• one of my sweet nieces,  getting ready for bed during the weekly sleepover: "I want to go say goodnight to the people.  ALL the people."
• conversations about calling, about downward mobility, about Jesus, about seeing and not seeing, about allowing transformation and challenging expectations, theology students finding lots of unique dialogues
• interns who want to serve and learn and love in such beautiful ways it makes my heart hurt

this is the lid from the honey jar. We find lots of creative ways to communicate.

a corner turned

I turned to my friend the other night as we were chatting and confessed that I'd lost my groove, that something had fallen off the rails somehow and I needed to get back on track.  It wasn't until the words were out of my mouth that I realized both that I had lost my groove AND that I was beginning to find it again.  In the mucky midst of it, I wasn't really aware of how lost and off track I was.  I've read confessional posts around the interweb about sadness, about mourning, about loss, even about depression.  And I always identify somewhat, but with some distance.  Very important and necessary distance.
See, if you have a parent that struggled with depression and then ended their life, it's pretty hard to ever imagine yourself as struggling with sadness or grief.  If you're me, you just keep spinning positive and smiling and hanging in, finding the good and the lesson in everything. It's an essential to survival, this spinning positive.  Plus,  we're supposed to do that as good Christian folk anyway.  It's in the manual.
Some of my fellow students were talking about a counselling class I missed, where they learned about 'stackable losses'.  As they described this idea that was completely new to me, I identified a lot with the concept.  Basically, when we have multiple consecutive or concurrent losses, we are unable to respond to additional losses.  Our coping ability diminishes as losses increase.  I heard my friends talking, but I immediately saw in my mind a picture of our little garden at Flats.  
A few of us were going to work on the garden together, but the plan didn't come together as hoped.  I did my best on my own with it until we were away in July.  When we got back from San Francisco, the garden was pretty overgrown.  I weeded and watered, but it didn't seem to be enough.  Then we had 3 days of blistering heat.  I went out on the first two days and watered my little garden, but by the third day the wilting and sad plants actually brought tears to my eyes.  I turned around, locked the gate and didn't venture back into the garden again.  Even though the greenspace materialized over the next few weeks and became a beautiful place that I'd been dreaming of and waiting for, I stayed away.
Stackable losses - pile them up on top of each other and you end up with very little room at the top to deal with dying plants that friends forgot to water.  
So, how do you make more room, or get back to who or where you were before the losses started to pile up?  I dunno, my classmates left out that part!  
But just realizing that I'd had losses, and that they had stacked up very high has helped me find my lost groove and turn a corner. 
 I managed to form the question 'could I be depressed?' at a recent visit to the doctor. She looked at me in her kind and knowledgeable way (only a woman who has witnessed and helped me to give birth could have such a compassionate look!) and said "I don't think so.  You're life is full of things most of us insulate ourselves from.  You've taken on a lot and its not cheap.  I know you have good strategies.  Some times will be harder than others, and it looks to me like you're gonna be just fine."
Like a good doctor, she said we'll keep our eye on it and monitor frequently.  And because she is so aware of my family history, she has never missed a chance to say 'How are you REALLY doing?'  
Since learning about stackable losses, I've named some huge losses in my life over the last few years.  I've even painted them on a canvas!  I'm disciplining myself NOT to think about the lessons and gains just yet, to actually allow myself to count losses for what they are.  

  Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, 

      set these once-broken bones to dancing. 

   Don't look too close for blemishes, 

      give me a clean bill of health. 

   God, make a fresh start in me, 

      shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. 

   Don't throw me out with the trash, 

      or fail to breathe holiness in me. 

   Bring me back from gray exile, 

      put a fresh wind in my sails! 

   Give me a job teaching rebels your ways 

      so the lost can find their way home. 

   Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, 

      and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. 

   Unbutton my lips, dear God; 

      I'll let loose with your praise. 

  Going through the motions doesn't please you, 

      a flawless performance is nothing to you. 

   I learned God-worship 

      when my pride was shattered. 

   Heart-shattered lives ready for love 

      don't for a moment escape God's notice. 

from psalm 51 - the message

life overtaken

Our life has been overtaken in the last couple of months.  With Bren returning to university, me taking a part time job, the (barely?) manageable pace we once had has disappeared - at least for this season.  Flatlanders is the place where so much of our energy is directed.  Living intentionally at Sutherland and Main seems like a lifestyle that is more sustainable in theory than in practice at this point.
I hope the speed of life returns to a more rhythmic normal sometime soon.

walk for healing

A couple weeks back, I was driving across the prairies on my way home from classes... I always keep my eye open for people needing a ride, and as I was nearinig Broadview, SK I saw some young people walking along the road.  I was pretty sure they weren't hitchhikers, but something prompted me to stop anyways and say hello.  So I pulled over and waited for them to catch up to my truck...

 I asked what they were up to, and they told me they were walking for Healing.  I was intrigued!  Our conversation continued, and I became more and more impressed.  Each day, the group walks for a different kind of healing, or for different groups of people to be healed.  They are not focusing on any specific 'illness' - they are talking to the Creator, each other, and anyone else who is interested about all kinds of physical, spiritual, emotional, and relational healing.  They've walked for kids in care, for moms and dads, for reconciliation in Canada and lots of other themes.

They started out in May in Kamloops, BC, and are hoping to winter in Winnipeg, with a possible re-start to the East coast in the spring.  I hope to spend some time with them while they're in my city!

If you're interested in knowing more, and you're on facebook, check out the Justin Young Walk of Healing page. 

I ended up having luch with the walkers and enjoying my time with them immensely.  Each one had a story to share, and they did so with beauty, vulnerability, and wisdom.  It was a gift to meet up with them.  I would have missed out on so much if I'd have just driven by!  (so keep your eyes peeled if you're driving along the #1 highway west of Winnipeg!  It's pretty easy to stop and share snacks and encouragement!)

I snapped this picture later on that weekend, when I caught up on the week with my husband while we enjoyed a picnic near Sturgeon Creek... it was supposed to be a family event, but the kids were excused after whining for 2 hours about how lame family picnics are.  We had fun without them!

Have you ever undertaken something thinking you understood it clearly, only to find out you'd really had no real clue of what you were getting yourself into?

That's my space as I learn more about becoming a counselor this week.  I feel like a pretzel - twisted this way and that, turned inside out, and then prodded a little bit more just for some extra fun.  It turns out that its me who is doing much of the examining and prodding, which feels even harder than if someone else were doing it.

The books we read make the practice of counseling seem straightforward and simple.  In theory, I can do this.  It seems easy!  But the act of sitting with someone, even myself, in suffering and pain, sends me running, wanting to fix and cure, to apply the right method, to bring comfort at all costs.

As an exercise, we've been encouraged to pay attention to our inner dialogue, to reflect on what is happening within that causes us to act or react in certain ways.  I have been doing that for several days now, and I don't know if my emotions have ever been so tired.  I feel spent.  A game of Twister might be a refreshing diversion right about now!

Are we willing to scrap the illusion of being experts who, if we can find and wield the proper methods, have the power to cure our clients and fix their maladies? - J. Olthuis, The Beautiful Risk 

God created a reminder, an image.  Humanity is a reminder of God.  As God is compassionate, let humanity be compassionate. - Rabbi A.J. Heschel

New word

Decentered.

That is my word of the year.

A few years ago, my word was CLARITY.  Some professional situations were teaching me the value of clarity, and the expense of its absence... I realized that this principle applied to the rest of my life, too.  It was a good word to grow with.

The next year, SUSTAIN was the word I that guided me often.  In times of doubt, wondering, impasse, frustration - I turned over and over again to the fact that God sustains, is alongside, and that I can see so little of what is important.  I learned (through experience, not just in my head) that in trusting the sustaining (faithful, loving) actions of God I can better see the sustaining (faithful, loving) actions of God.

Last year's word was TENSION.  I felt a growing awareness of the reality (and necessity) of simultaneous push/pull.  It became increasingly clear to me how much we need tension to grow, how much we need to be okay with it rather than resisting it.  I realized how much I want to fix, mend, tend, heal, cure, and how little I wanted to 'be alright to sit with' things just as they are... and that there are indeed times when that is what I must do. (An old friend talks about the tension between success/failure on his blog..thoughts not expressed frequently enough in our culture of competition and achievement!)

This year, DECENTERED is the theme/word I want to learn from.  I've come across this word in counselling texts, and its a way of practicing, of being with people that resists being expert, resists knowing anything at all.  An image that goes along with this word is one of flying above circumstances, somewhere in the sky, rather than being mired and attached to every aspect or detail of a situation.  A decentred approach genuinely cares without obsessively owning.  It influences without being completely invested in outcomes.  The opposite of decentred - centered - can lead to an inappropriate sense of responsibility, a heavy burden, even exhaustion.  But being appropriately attached to circumstances can be invigorating and life giving.  I need to grow in the ability to be decentered, and if this year's word is like those from the past, I will learn a great deal in the months to come.

If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6, The Message (MSG)

Nouwen on friendship

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness that is a friend who cares, ." ~Henri Nouwen