the struggle is holy

Often when people hear that I'm a student, they ask how I can fit it all in.. how can graduate studies be integrated into family life? It's an interesting question, and its even more interesting that it is THE question or assumption often raised.

The truth though, is that fitting things together isn't nearly as hard as other elements of studying... right now, it's the content and nature of the studies that is the most challenging. The further I go, the more I read, the more inadequate I feel for this program and this work. Sorting THAT out is way more taxing than making sure I find time to write papers as well as spend time with my family and community!

A recent video on Alberta Prime Time, a news show, discussed the Canadian regulation of the field I'm studying - Marriage and Family Therapy. A psychologist was on the show as a guest, suggesting that MFTs don't require unique regulation because they are simply a different approach to providing therapy, one that can be encompassed within existing regulations. The Canadian president of the MFT ass'n (she is from Manitoba!) disagreed, emphasizing the unique specialized training we receive about relationships and relational patterns.

Watching that video was like having a brick dropped on my head in terms of awareness about just what I'm pursuing... MFTs are uniquely trained to be ... relationship experts. YIKES!!

this realization comes at about the same time I am looking around at my closest relationships (in my own family and marriage) and seeing the flaws as if through a microscope. It's not that I ever thought we were perfect, its more that I am becoming equipped to see just how deep the imperfection runs. And quite frankly, all this realizing and examining makes me want to throw in the towel. Looking within makes me cringe and I doubt how much help I could ever offer now that I'm so keenly aware of how much help I need.

I'm reminded of my word of the year - TENSION. As always, my confusion and questions find some resolution in my faith. (resolution is different than SOLUTIONS!)

When thinking about this imperfection through the lens of faith, and considering the Kingdom of God that is already here and yet isn't here yet, I find comfort. When looking around at the brokenness and beauty that co-exist so profoundly around me, I find comfort. When realizing that all of life's depth is a breathtaking mix of good and bad, pain and healing, ashes and restoration, praise and mourning ... that TENSION between poles really characterizes the things that make our existence and relationships so meaningful.

i've been thinking about how important it is that we grasp both our 'image of god-ness' AND our 'wretched-ness'.

Here's a quote from a Canadian author and MD;

"So far as marriages go, ours has been firmly at what may be called the 'conflictual' end of the spectrum. We have worked things out, but it took decades and a lot of energy. In retrospect, we shudder at how hurtful and dark it felt at times, and particularly how our struggles burdened our children's lives. ... Our marriage is now something we celebrate. Our ships, having been tossed and thrown about on heavy seas, have finally arrived safely in the same harbor. But the storms took thier toll on our children. At the end of his delightfully candid 1972 essay, 'My Own Marriage', the great American pshychotherapist and teacher Carl Rogers wrote of the difficulties his adult children were having in their relationships.'So, our growth together into a satisfying relationship for ourselves has constituted no guarantee for our children.'" - Gabor Mate, MD

In one of my class discussion groups, we shared from our personal lives as we interacted with the content. One of us just looked up at the group after a deep and heavy pause in the conversation and said ... 'the struggle is holy.' .... it sure is.....