New word

Decentered.

That is my word of the year.

A few years ago, my word was CLARITY.  Some professional situations were teaching me the value of clarity, and the expense of its absence... I realized that this principle applied to the rest of my life, too.  It was a good word to grow with.

The next year, SUSTAIN was the word I that guided me often.  In times of doubt, wondering, impasse, frustration - I turned over and over again to the fact that God sustains, is alongside, and that I can see so little of what is important.  I learned (through experience, not just in my head) that in trusting the sustaining (faithful, loving) actions of God I can better see the sustaining (faithful, loving) actions of God.

Last year's word was TENSION.  I felt a growing awareness of the reality (and necessity) of simultaneous push/pull.  It became increasingly clear to me how much we need tension to grow, how much we need to be okay with it rather than resisting it.  I realized how much I want to fix, mend, tend, heal, cure, and how little I wanted to 'be alright to sit with' things just as they are... and that there are indeed times when that is what I must do. (An old friend talks about the tension between success/failure on his blog..thoughts not expressed frequently enough in our culture of competition and achievement!)

This year, DECENTERED is the theme/word I want to learn from.  I've come across this word in counselling texts, and its a way of practicing, of being with people that resists being expert, resists knowing anything at all.  An image that goes along with this word is one of flying above circumstances, somewhere in the sky, rather than being mired and attached to every aspect or detail of a situation.  A decentred approach genuinely cares without obsessively owning.  It influences without being completely invested in outcomes.  The opposite of decentred - centered - can lead to an inappropriate sense of responsibility, a heavy burden, even exhaustion.  But being appropriately attached to circumstances can be invigorating and life giving.  I need to grow in the ability to be decentered, and if this year's word is like those from the past, I will learn a great deal in the months to come.

If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6, The Message (MSG)

Nouwen on friendship

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness that is a friend who cares, ." ~Henri Nouwen

Here is some of what we've been up to while taking a break from blogging...

Lots of fun at Bren's parent's pool...

I saw TJ examining this garden statue.  He clearly loved it.. so I asked if he wanted a picture with it.

He just posed like that .. with very little coaching!

Sweet nephew turning THREE!

A whole day in the hospital .. waiting for another new baby!

And - April Henriette.  Born on August 30, just after midnight. 

I was very thankful for a safe and easy delivery.. and another chance to be a labor coach!

(I just put doula school on my list of things to do in this lifetime...)

May I say that my sister is an amazing mom and gives birth like its as easy as pie and natural as breathing?  Well, I just did.

Spending some time with the kids after their new sister came home..  a painting night!

This one was enhanced by Auntie Kelly a wee bit after Haily went to bed...

the kids went back to school, and so did the husband!

Our green space is GREEN!

Someone very wonderful offered us the use of a cabin for a few days.. but the kids ended up not wanting to go.  So, I went on a little retreat!  Surrounded by artmaking stuffs, books, magazines, and foods I love to eat!

My memere has been in the hospital since Aug. 25th.  The doctors called us to her bedside on two occasions, but she appears to be pulling through.  A fall caused swelling and brain injury, and she refused surgery to alleviate the pressure fearing brain damage.  The only explanation for her continued improvement is "It's a miracle - can only be explained by all the prayers and family support!"  Hmm.

I started a journal page in my daughter's journal with the title 'You come from a line of very strong women .."  Memere has again been showing incredible strength and courage.

... so that's it.  A photo post of what's been going on lately.

pick me!

I'm really pleased to be working with an amazing group of people on an upcoming Church Planting/Missional Communities event.  (well, about a year from now.)  I'm not sure what fluke caused them to pick me to help design this event, but so far they haven't identified me as the imposter I feel like!

I was supposed to deliver an inspiring thought to start our day long meeting this morning, and I was feeling about as inspired as a dirty sock both when I fell into bed last night and when the alarm went off this morning.

So, after I had made the coffee and gotten settled into our meeting space this morning, I shared with this group of leaders that I was sadly not going to fulfill this agenda item very well. 

I looked around the room, and asked the various denominational and church leaders if they ever felt like they were walking around in life with a big target stapled to their shirt.  If they'd ever felt like it was a day or season for people and situations to conspire to take free shots ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Everyone seemed to know exactly what I was talking about!

So, we together reflected a bit on what a risky and exciting gift it is to lead.

the knowing nods around the table spoke of much sacrifice.

I was glad for the reminder that leadership is more about sacrifice than about many of the other things it is frequently likened to.

bleeding

In a recent issue of the MB Herald (highlighting the arts), there was a piece by a writer reflecting on his craft.  He said that for writers, writing is a form of bleeding... We need to get things out, and this is how we process .. writing.

I suspect that most artmaking or creative expression could be described as 'bleeding' by the artist.  But his words resonated with me because my form of expression is the same as his - words, writing.  That is at least partially why I have maintained this blog.  Some things just need to find an outlet, and sometimes this is it. 

Often a post is only a few ideas that I know fit together, but I don't know how until I start writing.  And somehow I am strengthed and calmed by putting words together, its an activity that helps me make sense of my life.   Sometimes it helps me be at peace when nothing makes sense. 

neighborhood economy

There are unique things about inner city neighborhoods and their economies. 

I don't know other cities as well, but some things are pretty consistent in other places I've visitied.  Take pawn shops - you don't usually find many of those in the suburbs.  They're a pretty important part of the economy down here.  They actually used to be MORE important, before the MoneyMart and PayDay Loan folks came in to offer a helping hand.  I can even remember back in the day when there were banks in the neighborhood.  But, they all pulled out some time ago.  There are some good corporate citizens out there though. 

But what prompted me to write this post is some of the more underground kind of stuff.  Did you know that you can trade in bus tickets (given to you by social services) for smokes?  Or cash?  Did you know that you can buy or sell single smokes?  Did you know that there are even local stores that will give you cash money for the frozen meat you got from the food bank or charity?  How about drugs - you can trade your prescription meds for street drugs.  And, just incase one of the local doctors is onto you, there are at least half a dozen walk in clinics within a few blocks.  Just go to another physician and complain of other ailments.  You can fill another prescription as long as you don't take it to the same pharmacy.  (but don't worry, there are even more of those than there are clinics!)

I'm regularly surprised by the stuff I learn by hanging out on Main Street.  But, one day earlier this summer, I was totally shocked by a new spin on the north end economy ...

I was waiting for a friend who I thought might be lost.  I found a paper bag with this note sticking out..

This is what was in the bag.

This neighborhood NEVER ceases to surprise me!

Although the content is questionable, I'd say this is North End economy at its finest... generosity, good will, and a desire to do a good turn for a stranger!

inviting and aesthetically pleasing?

aes·thet·ic   –adjective

1. pertaining to a sense of the beautiful or to the science of aesthetics.

2. having a sense of the beautiful; characterized by a love of beauty.

3. pertaining to, involving, or concerned with pure emotion and sensation as opposed to pure intellectuality.
 
I have struggled with what is 'aesthetically pleasing' much of my life.  I resisted 'china patterns' and other 'fine' things when we got married, considering them frivolous and unnecessary.  My home has been called eclectic by some nice friends who didn't know what to call a 'style' that was thrown together and relatively unconsidered.  I prefer dishes and patterns that are mismatched.  When making a purchase, I will invariably look for the 'imperfect'. All aspects of my 'style' consist primarily of things that 1) are practical, or 2) have some special meaning.
 
In San Francisco, I purchased a ring with a large blue stone.  Perhaps subconsciously, it reminded me of a ring that my mom wore... but consciously, I was drawn to it because it had three small greyish dots marring the blue stone - I loved most of all that it wasn't pristine.
 
I read somewhere that there is a Native American tradition of leaving a blemish in the corner of a handwoven rug - because the weavers believe that this leaves a place for the spirit to enter..  Interesting thought - blemishes invite something profound.  I wonder then, what does the pursuit of perfection and flawlessness invite? What does it resist?
 
Its a wrestle when I find myself liking stuff or style or outer appearances very much.  I don't want to notice or care.  I don't want to be influenced at all by some perception of beauty or style that has been sold to me like a bill of goods by my culture - I want to be impervious to it.  It bugs me how susceptible I am ... why did I want to come home from holiday with a piece of jewellery to remember the trip?  Why am I like that?!
 
When I am having this inner wrestle, I inevitably recognize the importance of the beautiful things that inspire and speak to us.  Our spirits and imaginations need provoking in enlarging and good ways.  Art, for example, deepens our  understanding of whatever  is depicted.  Cozy spaces help us to feel safe and warm.  Inviting decor encourages conversation, laughter, friendship.  A blue ring with an imperfect stone reminds me of a lovely family holiday,  of creative and talented street vendors who love their craft.  Imagination and beauty are undoubtedly essentials to our lives.  The wrestle for me is about where the line is.  As with all things, we are so good at finding counterfeits for the essential beauty that inspires us.  I want to resist my impulse to manufacture beauty, to grasp wildly, to settle.